


So Close

by dandelionfluffyness



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-02-12 19:36:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 34,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12966858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelionfluffyness/pseuds/dandelionfluffyness
Summary: "When crossing the road, I had already seen the car coming. It wasn't slowing down, and neither was I. It was timed perfectly. In a matter of seconds, I would be on the ground, severely injured, or even better, dead. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Any of it."





	1. Don't tell the others

_Mark_

After a long and difficult practise session I walked out of the studio alone, which was just the way I wanted it. I closed my eyes for a second and breathed in the fresh air, which smelled like parking lot, but it was still better than the smell of sweat from seven different guys. It had also been really stuffy in there, and I was honestly so glad it was over.

I couldn’t tell exactly why, but my need to get out of there was quite desperate, as if I would just collapse if I stayed there too long. What I did know was that it was not because of the difficult choreography. I swallowed hard and fought back my tears. I hated crying in public.

I decided to walk in direction of the apartment, since the way was more than familiar to me. The surroundings had become a background scenery for my inner monologues while I walked alone. Sometimes it would seem bright and friendly, the buildings looking pretty, the trees looking healthy and full of life, and the pigeons greeting me while I passed them. But lately it had become a grim and dark background.

The buildings looked grey and dull, the trees looked tall, scary and intimidating, and the pigeons would just ignore me, as if I was too shit to even look at. But despite the fact that I had seen this scenery a million times already, I still took everything in. Every building, every tree, and every damned pigeon. It seemed like an important thing to do.

When crossing the road, I had already seen the car coming. It wasn’t slowing down, and neither was I. It was timed perfectly. In a matter of seconds, I would be on the ground, severely injured, or even better, dead. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. Any of it.

I didn’t dare to look the driver in the eye, so I pretended not to see him. Since he wasn’t slowing down, I was sure he hadn’t seen me. I was low-key proud of myself for choosing a spot where I would basically be invisible until it was too late. I stopped in the middle of the road and closed my eyes in anticipation of the crash. My heart was beating really fast, reminding me that this could be the last time it would ever beat.

Suddenly I felt a strong arm around my waist pulling me back, and I fell onto the pavement next to the road. The car passed by, honking loudly. “MARK!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!” Jackson screamed at me, even though he was right beside me on the pavement. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt like I could pass out any moment.

I looked up at Jackson, the one who had just saved me, and I started crying. Jackson was sitting up now, and he pulled me up and took me in his arms. He held onto me tightly, whispering, “It’s okay, you’re okay” over and over. Hot tears were falling down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop shaking. Out of everyone in the world, Jackson was the last person I wanted to see me like this.

_Jackson_

What the fuck just happened. Out of all the people in the world, Mark was the last person I wanted getting hurt. I just couldn’t believe he would try and do something like this. Not Mark. I wanted to cry so badly, but I had to be strong for him right now. He was shaking and crying, and it fucking broke my heart. I tried to calm him down by hugging him and whispering to him, but I was well aware that I was also trying to calm myself down.

When I had seen him standing there, not moving while a car was approaching fast, I felt my heart drop. While I ran towards him I felt like I was running in slow-motion, as if my legs and my body were suddenly a lot heavier, and I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to save him. But thank god I was just in time. The thought of losing him made me want to jump in front of that car myself. What in the world was he thinking?

After a while, Mark seemed to have calmed down a bit, although he was still crying. I let go of him so I could face him. The hurt in his eyes broke my heart all over again. I looked at him expectantly, hoping he would give me some answers. But he didn’t. He just looked at the ground, as if he was a little kid who had just broken an expensive vase and was about to be scolded by his mother.

“Are you okay?” I asked him carefully. He looked at me, as if he desperately wanted to say yes, but he quietly shook his head and then leaned his head against my chest. I put one hand on the back of his head, letting my fingers run through his fluffy hair, and pressed him closer to me. I put my other arm around him again and rubbed his back with my thumb.

People were looking at us weirdly, but luckily didn’t seem to recognise us, so I couldn’t care less. I just wanted Mark to be okay. Mark, who had the brightest smile in the world. Mark, who had just tried to kill himself.

_Mark_

I couldn’t stop crying. I somehow couldn’t process what had just happened. When I was walking towards the apartment I was so sure that it would all soon be over, that even if I would survive, I would at least get to rest in a hospital for a while. But Jackson saved me, and I was terrified, ashamed, disappointed and relieved, all at the same time. I was both glad it was him, and wanting to die because it was him.

His embrace felt warm and comforting, but at the same time I didn’t want him to see me like this. I hid my face in this shirt, making it all wet with my tears, but I didn’t care, I just didn’t want him to see me. I felt him tightening his grip on me, and I noticed his heart was beating fast as well, even though he was the one who was calm. To be fair, it must have been a shock for him to see one of his group members try to jump in front of a car.

I suddenly realised how mad the other members would be if they found out I tried something like this. I swallowed down the lump in my throat, and gathered my strength to talk to Jackson. “P-please… d-don’t tell the o-others…” I said quietly and in between sobs, still not facing him. He didn’t respond right away, so I thought he hadn’t heard me. I was about to repeat myself, when he said “I promise”.  


	2. Let's go home

_Mark_

He shifted his position again, and put both his hands on my shoulders, pulling me away from him so we would face each other. “Let’s go home, I’ll walk with you” he said firmly. I nodded and wiped away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie. Jackson had stood up already and reached down his hand.

“Take it easy, okay?” he said, as if I had gotten hurt somewhere. I took his hand and he pulled me up. He patted the dirt off of my clothes, forgetting about his own, and took my hand in his. “Let’s go” he said, smiling lightly, and started to walk towards the apartment, which was only about ten minutes away from here.

Even though his grip was a little too tight, I didn’t say anything and followed him home. I couldn’t take in any of the surroundings anymore. All I could wrap my head around was Jackson, and the fact that he was holding my sweaty hand. He was walking slightly ahead of me, pulling me along with him. I watched the back of his neck, and the small silver necklace he was wearing. I watched his muscular arms, and the way his t-shirt was a little too big. His butt was also nice.

He looked back every now and then, to make sure I was still there, even though we were holding hands, which should make it pretty obvious that I was. Every time he did that, I could see the expression on his face change from looking worried, to smiling at me comfortingly. I would try to smile back, as if to tell him I was sort of okay now.

We reached the apartment pretty quickly, and once inside our room I decided to take a shower. Jackson seemed a bit hesitant to let me, but decided to clean out the bathroom of any potentially dangerous objects. “You can shower, but you can’t shave today” he tried to say jokingly, but I just felt embarrassed, and I could feel my neck and cheeks getting red.

After he was done, he handed me a towel and some clothes, and said he would be right outside if I needed anything. I felt like he would be trying to keep a metaphorical eye on me, to make sure I wouldn’t try to choke myself on soap or anything. I thanked him anyway and walked inside, locking the door. I figured he could break down the door if he really wanted to. Somehow I felt more safe and comfortable if I locked the door.

I took off my clothes and stepped inside the shower. The hot water felt like the exact feeling of returning home after a long day of working hard. I felt the tension in my body slowly disappearing and my muscles relax. I just closed my eyes and stood there for a while, without even touching the soap.

_Jackson_

I listened closely at the bathroom door, even though it was definitely an invasion of privacy. I just needed to make sure he was okay. Besides the water running I didn’t hear anything, so I told myself it would be fine. I sat down on the floor, with my back against the bathroom door. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Just one breath later I was sobbing uncontrollably, the tears finally coming out now. I was still having trouble wrapping my head around it all. Not Mark. Fucking hell.

My head hurt and I felt like the pit in my stomach could swallow me whole. I prayed Mark wouldn’t hear me. I needed to be strong for him, I needed to take care of him. I promised myself I wouldn’t let him try anything like that ever again. Even if it meant staying by his side 24/7, I didn’t care. I just wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to be happy and not do, or even think about, shit like that again. He had no idea how much me he meant to me. If I would have lost him, I honestly would have lost my fucking mind. I felt like I could keep crying forever. Not fucking Mark.

When I heard the water stop, I quickly got up on my feet and dried my face with my shirt. I walked towards the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like I had been crying, and I slapped myself on my face lightly a couple of times. I then decided to take my shirt off and look for a clean one. The room was a fucking mess. I told myself I would clean our room later, to make sure Mark would be as comfortable as possible.

I heard the bathroom door open and turned around to see Mark, who had put on the shirt and sweatpants I had given him. The towel was still in his hand, as he was rubbing it in his hair to dry it. The sight made me smile. He just looked like normal. He looked up at me and gave me a small smile, but quickly looked down again, blushing lightly.

_Mark_

Even though I had seen Jackson shirtless a countless amount of times already, I still wasn’t used to it. He just looked so fucking good, I couldn’t get over it. I was a bit jealous of his body, but I also felt privileged to share a room with him, so I could quietly admire the way he looked whenever he would take his shirt off. Which was often. If he only knew how crazy it made me to see him like that. I told myself to get my shit together and get over myself. Jesus Christ.

_Jackson_

I finally found a clean shirt and put it on. I looked at my phone to see what time it was, and realised the others would be back soon. My first thought was of relief, since Mark would definitely not do anything crazy while the others were home too. But then I thought of what I had promised him, and I realised it would be hard to keep this a secret from them. I looked at Mark, who was now sitting on his bed, scrolling through his phone and listening to music.


	3. Chicken?

_Jackson  
_

Mark seemed okay now, but I felt like he would need some more time to recover from the shock. Honestly, so did I. So I decided I would take him out for dinner, just the two of us, rather than having to face our fellow group members and eat dinner with them, as if nothing had happened. 

I quickly texted Jaebum that me and Mark were eating out, and then texted Mark, as I didn’t want to interrupt him in his bubble. “Hey, let’s go out for dinner, what do you feel like?” I texted him. I looked at him, hoping he would agree to go out with me. But like, as roommates. To get dinner. He looked up from his phone and briefly looked around to find where I was, which was sitting on the edge of my bed. He gave me a small smile and took out one earbud. “Chicken?” he said. I smiled widely back at him and nodded. 

Neither of us bothered to change our clothes and decided to just go out like that, with shabby t-shirts and sweatpants. Looking fine as hell. Honestly, Mark could wear anything and always look cute. I tried to imagine him wearing a garbage bag and quietly chuckled, because damn, he would still look cute as fuck. Mark, who was walking next to me, looked over at me and raised his eyebrow. Shit. “It’s nothing,” I quickly said to him. 

The streets were pretty quiet by now, and the sun was about to set. I was hoping the scenery would somehow make Mark feel a bit better. The sky looked beautiful, with all its different colours, and the early autumn breeze felt warm, but not too warm. It was actually perfect. I noticed the leaves in the trees were starting to change their colours too. “It’s pretty nice out here, right?” I said tentatively, trying to make some conversation. “Huh? Oh, yeah I guess” Mark replied, seeming like he was lost in his own thoughts. I just hoped they weren’t bad ones. 

_Mark_

I just wanted to forget about today. It all just seemed like a bad dream now, even though I damn well knew it wasn’t. This was something I couldn’t just wake up from. The thought of doing something like that had floated around in my mind for a while now, and after today’s practice I just couldn’t take it anymore. I really thought it would just end. And even though it didn’t, I was kind of relieved. At least someone knew about it now. In a way it kind of felt like coming out, although that was something I still needed to do at some point. Or not. Who the fuck knows. 

I looked over at Jackson, who seemed to be enjoying the sunset, judging from the small curve his lips made at the corner of his mouth. I felt my face slowly getting red again so I diverted my gaze to anywhere but his lips. Ah yes, that stop sign in the distance. Very intriguing. Very appropriate too. Jesus Christ. 

The chicken place was still a few blocks away, and we just walked together in silence. We could’ve easily gone to a BBQ chicken place that was nearer to the apartment, but we both knew the one we were going to had the best fried chicken in the world, so we had to walk a bit longer. Totally worth it though. 

While we walked, I caught myself looking at his hand, which was just dangling by his side, following the rhythm of his walking pace. I caught myself wanting to hold it, just like before. Even though it was probably just to make sure I wouldn’t run off onto the road again, it still had felt nice, his fingers entangled in mine. For a brief moment, I contemplated whether I should just go for it, but quickly shook my head, trying to make the thought disappear. Jackson turned his head to look at me. Shit. “You okay?” He asked. I tried not to blush. “Yeah, fine.” I replied.

After a couple of minutes of walking in silence and me feeling awkward as shit, we finally reached the chicken place. We went inside, and the owner kindly seated us in the corner of the shop, so we wouldn’t be too visible. We were regulars there, and the owner knew how much of a hassle it would be if someone recognized us. We love our fans of course, but sometimes we just want to eat some chicken in peace. We ordered the usual, and quietly waited for our meal to arrive. Jackson kept taking off his rings he was wearing and putting them back on. He seemed to do that when he was nervous. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him carefully. He quickly put his ring back on and folded his hands together. “Yeah, just fine” he replied with a smile. I wasn’t too convinced, so he added “Just hungry, can’t wait for this chicken to finally come!” It had literally been about half a minute. I suppose he felt a bit awkward around me, after everything that had happened today. I desperately wished I could take it all back. 

“I’m sorry…” I started slowly. “For what?” he asked, with a concerned look on his face. “Everything… I’m sorry you had to see me like that… I-I really- I’m so sorry Jackson…” I looked down at the table, afraid and embarrassed to look him in the eyes. I saw his hands move forward, and they both grabbed my hand, which was on my napkin. His hands were a bit clammy, but I didn’t mind. I looked up, right into his dark and serious eyes. “Don’t ever apologize for something like that, okay?” He said “It’s not your fault”. I felt my heart skip a beat when he said that. He sounded like he really meant it, and I was about ready to jump into his arms and cry for hours. But I didn’t.

_Jackson_

I had no idea what to do. I had no idea if holding his hand would comfort him or scare him away. I had no idea if my words would help, or if he would just not believe them at all. But I tried. I had to, for him. They seemed like the right things to do, but I honestly had no idea. Mark didn’t seem to mind me holding his hand, and he also hadn’t dismissed what I had just said to him. He just looked at me like he was about to cry. 

_Mark_

“Don’t cry Markipooh” Jackson said sweetly, with the cutest little pout. I smiled at him, trying (again) not to blush furiously. He took his hands back and put his now smiling face into them, leaning his elbows on the table. “That’s my Markipooh” he said, smiling even wider. This boy will be the death of me one day. 

_Jackson_

Seeing Mark smile again made my heart flutter. He had smiled at me before, but this time it felt like he was really okay now, and it made me the happiest person alive. Even though his eyes were still a bit teary, they didn’t seem so sad anymore. I just wanted to walk over to his side of the table and hug him tightly. But I didn’t. Instead I drank some of my water. When was this fucking chicken going to arrive?

_Mark_

After some minutes of awkwardly smiling at each other, the chicken finally came. The chicken was delicious like always, but there was something different about it this time. It was like it somehow allowed itself to be tasted more, the flavours wanting to make me happy. I felt like a little kid who finally, after many days of begging his mom, got to eat his favourite food, and it tasted even better than he remembered from last time. A small but genuine smile escaped from my lips. This chicken was fucking amazing. 

I looked up to see Jackson smiling widely at me, as if he just heard all my thoughts. “So good, right?” he said, eyes sparkling. I finished chewing some chicken that was still in my mouth and swallowed. “Yeah” I chuckled in reply. I quietly wished he couldn’t actually read my mind. I would be in so much trouble if he did.

_Jackson_

I felt so happy I was almost afraid my chest would explode. I was glad I had taken him out for dinner. Not only to not have to deal with our other band members, but also to be able to eat this tasty food, rather than plain food from the convenience store, which we ate way too often. Seeing Mark so happy about the food made me enjoy it more as well. He wasn’t wrong to be so happy about it though, this chicken was somehow better than ever; it tasted awesome.


	4. Pastel Pink

_Mark_

After we finished eating, we thanked the owner for always taking such good care of us, and Jackson ended up paying for our meal, despite my protests. We walked outside and headed back to the apartment. It was quite chilly now, and since I was only wearing a thin t-shirt, I quickly folded my arms together, and rubbed my hands against my bare upper arms, attempting to feel a bit warmer. “Are you cold?” Jackson asked, noticing me shivering a little. “Yeah, just a bit” I replied, giving him a small smile. “I’m fine though,” I quickly added, not wanting him to worry about me.

Jackson stopped in his tracks, and seemed to be thinking for a second. Then a mischievous smile started to slowly appear on his face. He looked at me with that smile; his eyes had a little twinkle in them. "Wait right here, okay?” he said. I gave him a questioning look, and he added, “Don’t move or I’ll have to kill you”, looking at me very seriously for a second. I knew he was kidding though, so I just smiled in reply, nodding obediently. God, he could be such a drama queen sometimes. I loved it though. “Be right back,” he said, smiling again, and quickly ran to one of the shops that was near to the chicken place.

I had no idea what he was up to, but I stayed in the same place waiting for him, just like he told me to. Even though it was a bit too cold, I still enjoyed the weather now. It was the type of weather that was kind of in between hot and sunny, and cold and rainy weather. The type of weather where the season would start changing, where the last rays of sunshine would warmly say their goodbyes, and where the world would change into the most beautiful shades of orange, red, yellow, and brown.

The air smelled nice, not only of fried chicken from the restaurant, but also of something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on. But it smelled like the way the colours of the trees were changing. It also smelled of sunshine and rain that had just fallen from the brightly coloured sky. I knew it didn’t make any sense, but it was one of my favourite smells in the world. Taking in all these surroundings, I sort of questioned why I did what I did today. I was grateful to be here in this moment, and I briefly shut my eyes, taking a deep breath and filling my lungs with this happy feeling.

Not very long after he had left, Jackson returned, with a shopping bag in his hand. He looked very proud of whatever he did, and handed me the bag when he reached me. “Wear this,” he said, smiling widely. I reached my hand inside the bag and pulled out a sweater. It was a pastel pink, a cartoon unicorn with huge blue eyes printed on the front, with a brightly coloured rainbow behind it. Possibly the ugliest sweater I had ever laid my eyes on. I put it on anyways, because I was cold. It was surprisingly soft. I thanked Jackson for buying it, and he said, “You’re welcome” very deliberately, knowing very well how ugly it was. I didn’t know it then, but it became my favourite sweater.

_Jackson_

I wasn’t too sure, because it was already kind of dark outside, but I thought I saw Mark blush a little when I gave him the sweater. I knew he probably agreed with me that it was ugly as hell, but that was exactly why I bought it for him. Not only to punish him for the fact that he hadn’t brought one with him, knowing it would get colder in the evening, but also just to tease him a bit and hopefully cheer him up a little.

After walking a few metres in direction of our apartment, he apparently couldn’t keep it in anymore. “It’s just so ugly!” he laughed, pulling his sweater down a bit so I could clearly see the print. “I know” I replied, probably looking really smug but not caring. “Don’t you think the pony is kinda cute though?” I asked him. “Pony??” he sounded offended. “It’s clearly a unicorn” he added, pointing out the rainbow. “Unicorn??” I replied, mockingly mimicking his tone earlier. “Do you see a fucking horn on his head?” Mark stopped in his tracks, taking a closer look down at his new sweater. I stopped too. “Damn, you’re right” he said after a few seconds. He started walking again, and I followed him.

“Why the rainbow then?” he asked after a while, sounding genuinely confused. “He’s a fabulous gay pony” I simply replied. I looked at Mark, expecting him to laugh, but he just said “Oh, okay” and continued walking with his gaze fixed on the pavement. I wondered if I did something wrong. Maybe he was just tired. I decided on the second option, not wanting to cause more trouble for him where there probably wasn’t anything wrong.

I suddenly felt a small finger touch my bare upper arm. I stopped to look at Mark. “Aren’t you cold?” he asked, still holding his delicate finger on my arm. I felt like his big adorable eyes would kill me. “Nah, I’m fine” I replied, giving him a small smile. I was a little bit cold though. But his wellbeing was more important to me. “Then what’s this?” He asked, lightly stroking his fingers over my skin, pointing out the goosebumps. I quickly shrugged his touch off of me, trying to hold in my giggles because it tickled. “Shut up” I said, smiling at him.

_Mark_

We continued walking towards the apartment again, and I contemplated all the ways I could somehow make Jackson feel a bit warmer. My thoughts quickly went to wanting to hold his hand again, but I shut it out just as fast. It wouldn’t help anyway. I then thought of me grabbing his wrist, turning him around towards me, and placing my other hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me and pressing my lips onto his. I felt my neck and cheeks heating up, and prayed Jackson wouldn’t notice me blushing furiously. Luckily, he didn’t.

I had never so vividly imagined myself kissing him, and never had I ever wanted to do it so much. I would never actually do it, of course. Honestly, why was I like this? Sure, Jackson was hot as fuck, but in no way did I have a chance with him. He was straight anyway. But still, my feelings for him were only getting worse, and I just couldn’t stop myself. Especially after today, I felt my crush developing into something more, something I hadn’t felt before.


	5. Soft, sleepy, and a little heavy

_Mark_

Suddenly I thought of a way I could keep him warm without giving him my new sweater, which he would never accept anyway. I quickly moved behind him, and pressed my hands on his shoulders, to give him a heads up, and then jumped onto his back. I wrapped my legs around his waist and put my arms around his strong shoulders. “Jesus, Mark!” Jackson laughed, sounding surprised. “Now you’re warm too!” I said cheerfully “Not only do you get me to hug you, but you also get to do some exercise at the same time! Burn those calories!” I explained happily.

Judging from the way his cheeks looked round and cute, I was certain he was smiling. “You asshole” he laughed. “You’re welcome” I replied, mimicking his tone when he had given me the sweater. We both fell silent after that, and I felt myself feeling sleepy. I honestly didn’t expect him to, but he carried me all the way back to the apartment.

_Jackson_

I loved this so much. Not only the fact that Mark was holding onto me and I could feel his warm and soft breath in my neck, but also the fact that he seemed so cheerful now. He was a bit heavy, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I honestly didn’t mind carrying him all the way. I loved the way his thighs were lightly pressing into my sides, and weighing down on my arms. I loved the way his feet were slightly dangling in the air, following my walking pace.

I loved the way his arms were around me, holding on tightly, making me feel like I wanted him to always hold onto me like this. I loved the way I could feel his chin resting on my shoulder, and I loved the way his head would softly bump into mine sometimes, his soft hair brushing against my ear, making my stomach tickle. I imagined he was tired, almost falling asleep while I carried him.

When we finally arrived at the apartment, my suspicions were confirmed. I had said “We’re here” to him, but he only responded after I had carefully nudged him awake. Even then, he only responded with a mumbling sound I couldn’t decipher. I slowly let him slide off my back, and turned around to face him. He yawned in the cutest way possible, with the pink sleeve of his sweater covering his mouth, while he stretched out his other arm. He then smiled at me sheepishly, and started walking towards the entrance of the building. I followed him, trying my hardest not to just run up to him and wrap him tightly in my arms. I succeeded in that, but not in hiding my idiotic smile.

After we entered the apartment, Jinyoung, who was sitting alone on the couch in the living room, said “What are you so happy about?” pointing at me, almost accusingly. “Why, I need a reason to smile now?” I snapped back at him. He smiled in reply “So did you guys have a nice date?” he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “It was lovely” I replied in a sarcastic tone, emphasis on the word ‘lovely’.

“Jackson even paid!” Mark added happily. I quickly shot him a look that said did-you-really-have-to-mention-that. “Ooohh, did you now?” Jinyoung said, sounding mock-surprised, widening his eyes, and making his mouth in a little 'o’ shape, hand on his chest. “What?! It was my turn!” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant but probably failing miserably. Mark just laughed.

_Mark_

“Screw you guys, I’m taking a shower” Jackson said, and left the room. I sat down next to Jinyoung, who saw what I was wearing and said “By the way, what is that hideous sweater you’re wearing? Is that a unicorn?” he sounded something in between amused and slightly disgusted. “Oh, this?” I replied, looking down at it and smiling. “It’s actually a pony. And Jackson got it for me” I added. “Hmm, I figured” he replied, not even sounding a little surprised.

“Where are the others, anyway?” I asked him. “Jaebum went back to the studio because he needed to take care of something or whatever, Youngjae is in his room, probably sleeping, Yugyeom and Bambam went out to buy groceries, but honestly who knows what they’re up to” he replied. “Oh, okay” I said, feeling kind of relieved that I didn’t have to deal with everyone all at once.

Jinyoung was probably the one I felt most comfortable around. Even though me and Jackson were pretty close, I would feel a bit nervous and self-conscious around him. Probably due to the fact that I had a massive crush on him. I mentally slapped myself in the face every time that word crossed my mind. But anyway, since I was pretty comfortable around Jinyoung, I was glad it was him sitting in the living room, rather than someone else.

I decided to go to my room anyway, not only to avoid the others when they would come back, but also because I was feeling tired. I wished Jinyoung a good night, who briefly raised an eyebrow and then smiled kindly, wishing me a good night as well, and walked into my room. I didn’t even change my clothes, and just fell onto my bed, the world around me becoming dark after about two seconds.

_Jackson_

When I got out of the bathroom I saw Mark had already fallen asleep. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. It looked like he had just let himself fall on the bed and fallen asleep immediately. He still had the pink pony sweater on. His face looked peaceful and his breaths were slow and steady. I felt relieved that he would at least have a good night sleep.

He suddenly started shifting around, and was now lying on his side, his knees pulled up and his hands balled up into fists and placed just in front of his mouth. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I just wanted to crawl onto his bed next to him and cuddle him with all my might to protect him from bad dreams. I didn’t though, not wanting to wake him up from his peaceful sleep. And not wanting to scare him away.

I then remembered I was still only wearing a towel and quickly looked for a shirt and some shorts I could wear to bed. I wasn’t planning on hanging out with the others in the living room still, since I was pretty tired after such an eventful day. I put on some clothes after finally finding them in this fucking mess we called our bedroom, and got into my bed.

I looked at Mark for a while and only then noticed he was still wearing his sneakers. I carefully got out of bed again, and quietly walked over to his bed. I then proceeded to carefully, very carefully, untie his shoes, and taking them off, trying my best not to wake him. He only made a cute little mumbling sound, but luckily didn’t wake up. I then turned off the light and went back to bed. The moonlight poured into the room through the window, and I watched Mark’s adorable sleep for about twenty minutes before falling asleep.


	6. Sweet dreams

_Mark_

In this world of darkness, my sleep had started out as quite peaceful, the pastel colours of the sky I had been looking at while walking next to someone who made me feel the happiest I had been in a while, the rows of trees along the pavement changing colours and gently moving with the early autumn breeze, it was all just a pleasant, cotton candy dream, which it hadn't been in a while.

But my dream turned into a horrible nightmare, dark thunder clouds swirling angrily in the sky, the wind becoming harsh and relentlessly blowing all the leaves from the trees who were left bare and cold, Jackson, who was crying because I had hurt him. And me, wanting to die all over again.

_Jackson_

It was probably around 4 AM, when a sound woke me up. It took me a little while to identify what it was, but I soon recognised it as crying. Mark. I quickly jumped out of bed and turned on the light, and I saw Mark in his bed, still sleeping, all curled up while tightly grabbing onto his blanket. Tears were streaming down his face and his cheeks were red. His eyes were still tightly shut, and his lips were trembling, sometimes allowing a sob to escape them.

I walked over to the side of his bed and knelt down on the floor beside him, so I could face him properly. I then carefully put my hand on his, which was still tightly holding onto the blanket just in front of his face. "Mark?" I said quietly but just loud enough for him to hear. His breathing quickly became steady as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked at me with tear streaked eyes for a second, before he sat up, retracting his hand from below mine, and using both his hands to quickly wipe away his tears.

I stood up and sat down on his bed next to him, careful to still give him enough space. "I'm so sorry J-Jackson" he suddenly blurted out, crying again, and putting his head in his hands, hiding his face from me. I shifted closer to him and wrapped my arm around him, pulling him into a tight hug. "Sssh, it's okay... It's okay" I said, trying to comfort him. It made me sad that he couldn't even have a peaceful sleep, and I knew he desperately needed it.

"It's j-just- I d-don't want to l-lose y-you" Mark sobbed in between shaky breaths, hiding his face in my shirt. I pulled him even closer to me. "You're not going to lose me, okay?" I replied. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere" I added, and I meant every word of it. He looked up at me, his eyes looking even bigger than usual. "You p-promise?" He asked, his voice breaking a little. "I promise," I said, and put my hand on his head, as if that would somehow confirm my promise.

_Mark_

I hated everything. I hated the fact that I couldn't even sleep, I hated all my insecurities and the fact that I was a burden, I hated all the pressure that was put on me, I hated that I was a disappointment, and I hated my very existence. I hated everything but Jackson. I felt safe in his strong arms, and his steady heartbeat calmed me down. And he would be there. He wouldn't break that promise.

After a while the tears stopped coming, and I felt like I could finally breathe normally. I shifted myself out of Jackson's arms and reached for my water bottle on my nightstand. I drank about half of it in big gulps, and put it back in its place. "Feeling better?" Jackson asked carefully. "I don't know" I replied, deciding to just be honest. "Want to try and get some sleep still?" he asked. "No..." I said quietly. I didn't want to go back to sleep only to get nightmares again.

"Um, would you like me to sleep here with you?" he asked, sounding as if he'd just asked me a really personal question he was itching to know about. Even though I hadn't thought of it consciously, I still doubted whether he could actually read my mind. "Yes?" I replied, probably sounding like I wasn't sure, while I sure as hell was. He smiled "Alright then".

He pulled his legs up onto the bed and shifted his position so he was behind me. He then put his hands on the hem of my sweater, one hand on each side, accidentally brushing his fingers against my bare skin, which was below my t-shirt. I shifted at the touch, but he pretended not to notice. "Let's take this off, okay?" He said, while tugging at my sweater a bit. "Your shirt will be enough, otherwise you'll be too hot" He explained.

"May I?" he asked sweetly. I just nodded, too tired to suggest otherwise, but also feeling a bit nervous at the same time. I put up my arms in the air, and he pulled up my sweater, my t-shirt going up along with it without permission. He took off my sweater and pulled my t-shirt down again. "Sorry" he said. "It's okay" I replied. I felt myself blushing again.

_Jackson_

Mark usually didn't take his shirt off in our room, or anywhere else, for that matter. So when I saw his bare back it startled me for a second, because damn, he looked good. It was only for a brief moment, but I was able to see how he had a slender figure, while still having clearly defined muscles. He honestly looked like a painting, or like, a really detailed sketched drawing. Holy shit.

_Mark_

I felt Jackson shift behind me again, and I looked around to see he had laid down on the bed. He was lying on his side, facing me, and kept his head up with his hand, weight resting on his arm. He smiled at me and lightly patted the empty space next to him, indicating me to lie down too. I did, but I wasn't sure if I should face him or not, so I decided to lie on my back.

It was a single bed, so there wasn't much space for the both of us, and we basically had to either lay very straight alongside each other and awkwardly touch from shoulder to thigh, or cuddle to sleep somehow comfortably. I was glad Jackson opted for the second choice.

He shifted himself closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, putting his other arm that was previously supporting his head, under my neck, and pulling me even closer to him. I couldn't help but smile a little. I rolled over to my side to face him, and put my hands on his chest, so I could feel his calming heartbeat. He hugged me tightly, and put his chin on the top of my head. There was probably room for one more person on the bed by now.

"We forgot about the light" I suddenly remembered. "Fuck the light" Jackson replied, already sounding a bit sleepy. "Jacksooonn, I can't sleep with the light on" I whined "Let me go and turn it off, please?" Jackson sighed, let go of me and jumped out of the bed instead, quickly turning off the light and returning to bed.

He found back the exact position we were in before, and lowered his face a bit, pressing a soft and warm kiss on my forehead. "Good night Markipooh" he mumbled quietly, and I felt him smiling. My heart was beating like crazy and I thought I would die right then and there. "Good night" I replied, my voice almost completely silent.

I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, but after a while I found myself completely comfortable in his embrace, and I couldn't even remember what it felt like without him there. I wished I could just stay like this with him forever. It was the best sleep I'd had in literally years.


	7. Breakfast

_Jackson_

The sunlight streaming into the room started to slowly wake me up. When I realised that I was in Mark’s bed, with him still sleeping in my arms, a big and idiotic smile found its way onto my face. It was hard to refrain myself from slapping myself and hiding my face in my hands, but I was afraid that any movement could wake him up.

I looked down at Mark, who was still in the same position from when we fell asleep, except his hands were now balled up in fists, grabbing tightly onto my shirt. His hair looked a little messy, and even fluffier than usual, making me want to run my fingers through it. He just looked so fucking adorable with his hair like that. It felt safe to say that Mark was the cutest sleeper in the universe.

His lips were slightly parted, and somehow looked really soft. I caught myself wanting to lean down my head and lightly press my lips onto his. I felt my face slowly becoming red, and I was suddenly very much awake. Mark was extremely cute and handsome, I knew that, but I had never wanted to actually kiss him before. I decided to get out of bed before I would do anything crazy.

I carefully lifted my arm that was around him, and placed my hand on his balled up fists, trying to loosen his grip on my shirt. After some fidgeting around of mine and his fingers, he let go of my shirt, but instead grabbed onto my hand, still sleeping deeply. He had one hand tightly on my wrist, while the other had its fingers entangled in mine. I noticed how our hands fit together perfectly.

He brought our hands up to his face, and I could feel his soft and steady breath on my skin, making me smile widely again. He then put my hand up to his mouth, and felt his lips smiling against the back of my hand. I though I might actually die of happiness.

Even though I kind of wanted to stay like this forever, I knew I had to get up sooner or later. I also wanted to make delicious breakfast for this cutie. I pulled away my arm from under his neck, and tried to loosen his hands from mine. “Mmm Jackson,” he mumbled quietly, slightly furrowing his eyebrows and pouting his lips.

I looked up for a second, praying to whatever God out there, to help me in this difficult situation. I couldn’t give into it, I had mentally made it my life’s mission to get up out of bed and start making the most epic breakfast. I looked down at Mark again, and quietly spoke to him, both wanting to ask him to let go of me but also not wake him up.

“Mark…?” I started carefully. “Hmm” he replied, eyes still closed. “I um… could you please let go of me? I need to get up”. Mark suddenly let go of my hands and put his arms and legs around me, hugging me tightly. He nuzzled his face into my shirt and with a sleepy voice said “No”. Even though this was getting even more difficult for me, I couldn’t help but smile. How could someone be this cute?

“I’ll make you breakfast, okay?” I tried to convince him. “Okay” said a muffled-against-my-shirt-voice that came from Mark. But he didn’t let go, so I resorted to sitting up on the bed, taking him up with me. He was now practically sitting on my lap, arms wrapped around my neck, legs around my waist, eyes still closed.

I untangled his arms from behind my neck, and carefully let him fall back on the bed. He shifted around, legs letting go of my waist, and curled up in a little ball, hugging the blanket. I got up from the bed and made my way to the bathroom. Before I entered, I looked back at a sleeping Mark, while probably smiling like an idiot. “You like deep fried strawberries, right?” I asked him, testing if he was still awake. “Yeah” he mumbled in reply. I took that as a no to being awake.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I got out of the bathroom, briefly looked at Mark, who was now sleeping soundly, and walked out of the room and towards the kitchen. Judging from how clean it was, I realised I was the first one awake in the apartment. Alright, how the fuck do I make breakfast.

I decided on pancakes, since I knew how to make those, and I quickly ran to the shop to get some strawberries and whipped cream, since the idea of strawberries wasn’t actually bad. When I returned, I got out all of the ingredients and started cooking. I was sort of anxious to see if Mark would like it.

I was in the middle of making some fresh orange juice, when Youngjae walked in. “Ooohh, that looks really nice!” he said, pointing at the small pile of pancakes. “Thanks” I laughed awkwardly. I had slightly forgotten the fact that me and Mark weren’t the only two people here, and it might look weird if I were making breakfast for him. I decided to just make breakfast for everyone, since I had enough ingredients anyway. I also mentally slapped myself in the face.

While Youngjae excitedly helped making orange juice while I was making more pancakes, Jaebum entered the room as well, looking slightly taken aback at the sight. “You guys…” he started “are you making breakfast for everyone?” he asked, genuinely sounding confused. “Yeah, it was totally Jackson’s idea!” Youngjae said happily. “Yeah… haha” I added awkwardly.

The next person to enter was Jinyoung, who looked surprised for a second and then shook his head, laughing at the sight of us three carefully cutting strawberries. He sat down at the breakfast bar, where we were making everything, and took over the cutting of the strawberries, since we were doing it wrong and he could do it better.

Another pile of pancakes later, we heard someone scream, and a few minutes later Yugyeom and Bambam walked in, as we had suspected. Bambam looked like he had just seen a ghost and Yugyeom couldn’t stop laughing. Jinyoung gave Bambam a strawberry and patted him on the head, like a good mother. The two then saw what we were making and got really excited, Bambam’s mood lifting immediately.

Everything was finished, and we were just putting out plates and cups, when finally Mark walked in, still looking a bit sleepy. He widened his eyes in surprise, and then a smile started to appear on his face. He looked up to find me, and when our eyes met he gave me a warm smile, as if to say thank you. I smiled back at him, as it turned out he did like it.

Even though this breakfast hadn’t turned out the way I had planned it, this was actually better. Although they probably didn’t realise it, the other members had helped me do something nice for Mark, and I felt like he really needed something like this. And judging from the twinkle in his eyes and the small smile on his face while he ate, he really appreciated it. The others also seemed to like eating such a nice breakfast together, and the mood was really cheerful and bright.


	8. It's all a conspiracy

_Mark_

The sunshine was lazily pouring into the living room, tickling the back of my neck, as I was sat with my back to the window. The room smelled sweet, like pancakes and fruit, which was pretty obvious, but it still made me feel happier somehow. The pancakes were super delicious, and the strawberries gave them that extra sweet and fresh taste. The orange juice made me feel less guilty about eating pancakes with whipped cream for breakfast. I knew Jackson was behind all this, and even though it wasn’t just for me, I wanted to thank him personally, even if I had no idea how.

Jackson was sitting across from me, the sunlight making his face look even more beautiful, with a warm yellow glow over his skin. Whenever he would look up at me, he squinted his eyes a little because of the bright light, but he would still smile warmly at me. Every time he did that, I felt butterflies in my stomach, flying around wildly, wanting to burst out of my chest. He probably had no idea, but it was making me crazy. Somehow things had gotten way worse since yesterday.

I tried to avoid his gaze, not wanting to look like a strawberry myself, and looked around me. I actually loved this. I loved the fact that we were all eating breakfast together at the table, rather than just grabbing something from the kitchen and eating it quickly before heading to the studio. We had enough time though, so everyone was just eating calmly, enjoying this awesome breakfast. I loved the fact that everyone was smiling, and telling lame jokes and laughing at each other.

“So what happened this morning then?” Jinyoung asked, looking over at Bambam and Yugyeom, who were sat next to each other. Bambam’s smile suddenly faded and Yugyeom started laughing like crazy. Bambam looked up at Jinyoung, giving him a why-would-you-even-say-that kind of look. Yugyeom regained his breath and said, “Did you know Bambam is actually afraid of-” “NO!” Bambam interrupted, slamming his hand on Yugyeom’s mouth.

He looked like wanted to kill him. The hand was unnecessary though, as Yugyeom burst out laughing again, not able to say anything else. Jinyoung smiled and just shook his head “I swear, you guys…” he said, sounding like a parent who had given up on properly raising their annoying trouble-making twins. Youngjae just laughed at the whole scene, probably imagining something really weird. Jaebum pretended not to really care, but couldn’t help but smile a little.

Jackson was pretty quiet, which was unusual for him, but he was smiling, so I figured he was just tired. I suddenly worried if he hadn’t been able to sleep because of me, and I felt guilty about wanting to sleep like that again with him. Even though he had offered it, I felt like I should’ve refused, because he needed his sleep too, and I didn’t want to be the reason he couldn’t get enough rest. Our days were long and tiring enough, I shouldn’t have made it worse.

_Jackson_

I couldn’t help but stare at Mark. He was just so fucking gorgeous. The way the sunlight came in through the window behind him made him look like an angel. Actual holy fuck. I was aware of the fact that our fans would sometimes call him an angel, as how could a mere human being be so damned perfect and beautiful? But right now, I actually considered for a moment that this was all a conspiracy and that Mark was indeed a being sent from the heavens.

His hair still looked a bit messy as he had probably just woken up, but it somehow looked like it was on purpose. As if some hair stylist had been hiding in our closet like some secret ninja and had done his hair before he came out of the room. "Don’t make it too obvious, make it look like I just woke up”, “Say no more fam”; I imagined their conversation going. How did this ninja hair stylist know exactly what to do to make my heart flutter just at the sight of Mark?

It just looked so cute and fluffy and I wanted to run my fingers through it while we were back on the bed, my other hand holding his and rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb, Mark looking up at me with his beautiful eyes and giving me that adorable smile of his. I felt my face becoming warmer, and I could tell it wasn’t because of the sun. A fucking conspiracy.

After I quietly contemplated this newfound conspiracy theory of Mark being an actual angel and there being a secret ninja hair stylist in our closet, another thought suddenly occurred to me. Whether the conspiracy was true or not, one thing was certain. I liked Mark. I mean, I had always thought he was pretty cute, but it was just in a friendly way. In a I-would-totally-bang-but-we’re-just-friends way. But now, I realized I was actually falling for him.

I looked up at him again, and realized he wasn’t smiling anymore. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, but didn’t ask what was wrong. I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the others. We were going to have a very long day at the studio today. Yesterday the manager had let us go home earlier and come in today a bit later so we could rest up, but today we really had to get back to work. I promised myself I would keep an eye on Mark.

After we all finished eating, we decided to head to the studio together. Since the weather was nice today, we all went by foot. Jaebum walked at the front, together with Youngjae, who was probably telling some lame joke, judging by the way Jaebum laughed and then pushed Youngjae, almost making him lose his balance. Behind them were Bambam, Yugyeom and Jinyoung, who was trying to keep the other two from injuring themselves or each other. Those two were really hyper, Jesus Christ.

Me and Mark walked together in silence, a bit more behind from everyone else. I wanted to hold his hand, but considered that the others would be annoying about it if they saw, and we all had a long day together, so I didn’t. I looked up at Mark, who was looking at the pavement, his head dipped down a bit. Not smiling. I reached out my hand and brushed his hand lightly. “You okay?” I asked carefully.

_Mark_

The touch of his hand against mine startled me for a second, but I quickly pulled myself together and replied “Yeah, fine” while giving him a smile. He didn’t look too convinced, but didn’t push further, which I appreciated. I did not look forward to today. Even though the day had started out amazingly, like actually the best day of my life, waking up next to him and eating pancakes for breakfast with everyone, it was only going to get worse from now on.

Yesterday during practice I had felt like I was about to collapse. Not because it was too difficult, or because I was exhausted, but because I had felt like I was suffocating. I wasn’t too sure why I had felt that way, but I was dreading that it would happen again. I was afraid I would feel suffocated again, I was afraid I would relive what had happened after practice yesterday, I was afraid that today I wouldn’t be able to keep it in until after practice.

I was afraid that I couldn’t keep it from the others anymore, and that I would be a disappointment to them. And to the fans, my parents, and everyone else who relied on me or had expectations from me. Even just thinking about it made my heart beat faster with anxiety. I took a deep breath and tried to shake off this feeling. We weren’t there yet. Maybe I would be able to keep it all in. Just until after practice. I would do my fucking best and make it work.


	9. Everything okay?

_Jackson_

All the way to the studio, Mark was silent unless someone asked him something. To be fair, he usually didn't say much, but it worried me. I worried that he was feeling bad again, and I worried that he would try and keep it in, so the others wouldn't worry about him. I understood why, but still, I didn't like the idea of him having all these thoughts and feeling like shit without talking to anyone. I hoped he would talk to me. I hoped he knew that he could talk to me.

I wanted him to talk about how he felt, what he was thinking, why the hell that happened yesterday, everything. I also wanted him to talk about what he wanted to eat for dinner, what kind of music he was into lately, and complain about our busy schedules. (I wanted him to talk about last night, about us holding hands, about him jumping on my back for a piggyback ride, about me taking off his sweater, and about us cuddling in his bed until we fell asleep.)

_Mark_

All the way to the studio, Jackson walked next to me quietly, which was unlike him. He laughed at the others being excited every now and then, and he would make his hilarious comments, but other than that he didn't really talk to me. It wasn't an awkward silence though, it was kind of like we had a mutual understanding that we wouldn't say anything just in case the others would hear. Like we simply existed next to each other in our own safe bubble, and the rest of the world didn't matter.

Even though we weren't physically touching, I imagined myself holding his hand tightly, only focussing on his presence and nothing else. I wished I could feel like that all the time, but the little voice at the back of my head kept telling me it wasn't going to last. That soon enough I would feel like shit again. That I didn't deserve someone like Jackson anyway. That I should look out for a car and try again.

We arrived at the studio, and I felt an invisible weight pressing down on my shoulders and tightening around my chest. I told myself I could do it, and then told myself I definitely couldn't. I told myself I didn't have a choice. We all got inside, put down our stuff in one corner of our practice room, and greeted our choreographer who then started to give us instructions.

Once we were in our positions, ready to start the practice, I realised I hadn't picked up anything from what the choreographer had said. Fuck. The first part went okay, since we had practiced it yesterday, but I fucked the rest up immediately. I was forgiven since it was only the first try, and Jaebum and Jinyoung helped to explain it to me again. I couldn't take anything in, but I just nodded.

I kept fucking it up again and again, big time. I kept apologising, but I knew it was no use. I knew that "I'll do better next time" was a lie. I just had no idea what to do. Nothing was coming through to me, I just couldn't focus, no matter how hard I tried. After I kept doing the wrong thing for I don't even know how many times, our choreographer seemed to have had enough of it, and took me aside to talk to me, telling the others to 'take five'.

"Mark, what is wrong with you today?" He said to me. His eyes were serious and it terrified me. "You usually pick up on new stuff like that,” he said, while snapping his fingers at the word 'that'. "I'm sorry" I replied. I didn't know what else to say. "You know I can't work like this, right?" he said, almost pleading. "Just please focus, okay? Enough fooling around." I wanted to tell him I wasn't fooling around. "Drink some water before we start again, maybe that'll clear your head." he said before walking away to talk to Yugyeom about something.

_Jackson_

I watched them talk at the other side of the room, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Mark just looked really tired and like he was about to cry. I wished I had super hearing so I could overhear their conversation and then deny everything our choreographer had said to Mark, to make him feel better. To tell him he was good enough, even though I knew he wasn't doing great today.

Our choreographer walked away from Mark, and I quickly picked up my water bottle and found myself standing in front of Mark about three seconds later. He smiled at me weakly, probably trying not to show how much the scolding had affected him. "Everything okay?" I asked him. He just nodded. Liar. I didn't blame him though. I just wished he would at least be honest with me.

I gave him a tight hug, putting a hand on the back of his neck and lightly squeezing it. He didn't quite return the hug, but he placed his chin on my shoulder, and I felt him taking a deep breath. I hoped he would be okay. We broke apart and I handed him my water bottle. He thanked me and took a few gulps before our choreographer told us to get in positions again.

_Mark_

Even though he didn't really know what was going on, Jackson was probably the sweetest person alive. For some reason I was now able to focus on what the choreographer was saying, explaining it to me one more time, and I told myself I could do this. I told myself to keep Jackson in mind, the one who would give me strength. The one who looked really hot in his tank top, by the way.

Despite some small mistakes, I was able to do the choreography now, and I caught Jackson looking at me happily through the mirror when we finished going through it in one go. I smiled back at him. Jinyoung walked over to me and patted me on my back, reassuring me that I did well. I could do this. Just a few more hours, and I would be fine.

We had an hour break to get some food in our stomachs, and I decided to make use of this opportunity to sit somewhere by myself for a while, to just listen to some music and feel relaxed. Before I went out to look for a quiet spot, I grabbed a plate from the table in the cafeteria, and then walked over to where the other members were to put some food on my plate and get something to drink.

I was happy that today's menu was varied and delicious, probably because we had a long day ahead. Jinyoung even put some meat on my plate and some vegetables, telling me I had to eat well. I smiled and shook my head at his unnecessary worrying. Jackson saw and mockingly said "Yes hyung, you should eat well, stay healthyyy ~" and then started laughing like a crazy hyena when Jinyoung turned to him, raising his hand threateningly.

I laughed at them and suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked around and saw Jaebum, holding up a water bottle. "Yes, stay healthy~" he said while handing me the bottle with a serious face. He started laughing almost immediately after, his eyes practically disappearing. He took a few steps back, bracing himself for Jinyoung, who was probably going to hit him. Jinyoung tried to look pissed off, but couldn't contain his laughter either. "Aish, really..." he mumbled, shaking his head.

I decided not to go sit somewhere else, but just stay with the other members instead. Jackson had sat down already and motioned towards me to come and sit next to him. I walked over to him, and as soon as I was within reach, he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down next to him impatiently, almost making me drop my plate. I hated myself for blushing.


	10. Under the table

_Mark_

We were all sat at the same table, sharing foods and joking around. It felt just like we were continuing our breakfast, recreating the same bright and warm atmosphere. The only difference was that now me and Jackson were sat next to each other, and I was very aware of the fact that our thighs were touching. It was nice though, it somehow made me feel safe.

Bambam, Yugyeom and Youngjae were making fun of Jaebum, imitating his faces and voice. "Aish, when did I do that?!" He protested, sounding slightly irritated. "Aish, when did I do that?!" Jackson imitated mockingly, putting his chin forward and making Jaebum's angry face. Jaebum stood up and reached over the table to slap Jackson on his arm, while not being able to hide a smile. Jinyoung started laughing as well, along with the others, and Youngjae looked like he was dying. I laughed too, Jackson's impression of our leader was just perfect.

"You were just like that yesterday!" Youngjae cackled, still not being able to breathe properly. I sometimes worried he would actually die from laughter. "You..." Jaebum said, still standing. He tried to sound threatening but his adorable smile didn't help him at all. "You're in so much trouble when we get back" he said, and sat down again. Yugyeom and Bambam started screaming enthusiastically and Jinyoung widened his eyes and put his hand up in front of his mouth.

"Speaking of yesterday," Bambam suddenly said, "Where did Mark-hyung suddenly disappear to after practice?" I felt myself tense up at his sudden question. "Yeah, the rest of us stayed a bit later to read some fan-mail" Yugyeom added. "Mark always leaves early though" Jackson said, replying for me. I wanted to hug him. "Which I can totally understand, with such annoying maknaes," he said, followed by his high-pitched laugh. The others were laughing too, including the maknaes, who only looked a little hurt.

"Why do you think I left earlier, too?" Jackson added excitedly, earning a high-five from Jinyoung. I couldn't contain my laughter either, and when I looked at Jackson he was smiling at me widely. I put a hand on his thigh and squeezed it lightly, to say 'thank you'. He put his hand on top of mine and returned the squeeze, to say 'you're welcome'. He then took my hand in his and entwined our fingers. I don't know what he wanted to say with that.

_Jackson_

We were holding hands under the table, and I felt like my heart could fail at any moment. I tried to be casual about it, but the fact that Mark hadn't pulled his hand away made me extremely happy. My heart was beating fast and my neck and cheeks were getting warmer. I used my free hand to grab my water bottle and took a few sips. I was lucky it was already open, otherwise I would've had to let go of his hand, which was the last thing I wanted to do.

I looked over at Mark, who had his gaze fixed on his food. He had his head dipped down, and I could see a small smile at the corner of his pink lips. I wanted to lean over and kiss him, but in no way could I do something like that. We were just friends. Best friends, sure, but nothing more. I only noticed I was biting my lip when Jinyoung asked if I was okay. I assured him I was fine and continued drinking my water, not looking at Mark and trying not to smile.

_Mark_

I felt like Jackson was acting a bit strange today. I mean, it was nothing new for him to hug me, or hold my hand, but it was strange because it wasn't in front of everyone. Normally he would act cute and affectionate towards me when there were cameras on us, to show everyone how great Markson is. Not that it was all a lie of course, but without the cameras it wasn't so exaggerated.

Without cameras, we were just us, and we would sometimes give each other a hug, or put an arm around each other when we were standing together, or lean against each other while sitting on the couch. But this was suddenly different. Without anyone else noticing, we were holding hands. Not to please our fans, or annoy our group members saying Markson is the best couple, but just because we wanted to.

His hand felt warm and comforting, and I felt like our hands fit together perfectly. I could feel the veins on the back of his hand pulsating lightly, and I slowly rubbed my thumb over his skin, making small circular patterns. He gave my hand a light squeeze in return, and I looked up to see him smiling, avoiding my eyes. I smiled back anyway.

Just when I was thinking to myself that I wanted this to last forever, Jaebum stood up and announced that we should finish up, as practice was about to continue in fifteen minutes. The others agreed, and when Jaebum, and Jinyoung, who had finished eating as well, had left, Jackson turned to me and asked if I had eaten enough. I quickly stuffed some meat and rice in my mouth, and nodded.

He laughed and cutely said, "That's my Markipooh". I wished he would stop saying that as it made me want to hug him to death. Jesus Christ. "Eeeww" said Bambam, pulling a disgusted face but still smiling. Youngjae started laughing again while Jackson stood up and pointed at Bambam "That's right!" he almost yelled "No Markbam... only Markson!" he exclaimed, smiling widely and laughing.

I decided to join in and put my hand in the collar of my shirt, and then took it out again, making a small heart with my thumb and index finger, and winked at Jackson. "Eeeww" Yugyeom said this time, Bambam joining in as well. "I will end you guys" Jackson said in a calm tone, and sat down again. Youngjae was clapping his hands and I couldn't stop laughing either.

We soon all finished eating, and headed back to the practice room, where Jaebum and Jinyoung were already discussing something. Our choreographer walked in soon after and we continued our practice. I could definitely do this. It had seemed daunting at first, but whenever I looked over at Jackson, everything just seemed okay. Except he would sometimes do that thing, where he did a dance move while looking at the mirror with his intense eyes and biting his lip, and I would miss a step.

After going through the choreography a couple more times we had a ten minute break, which consisted of all of us sitting in silence, catching our breaths and drinking water. Bambam was sitting on Jackson's lap on the couch, and I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. I leaned a bit more into Jinyoung, who was sitting next to me on the floor. He put one arm around me and massaged my neck, which I actually appreciated a lot.

_Jackson_

Although I tried not to, I couldn't help but notice the fact that Jinyoung was being affectionate towards Mark. I felt a bit jealous, because I should've been the one to take care of Mark, sitting next to him and giving him massages. I didn't have time to consider it for a long time though, as we were given the signal to get off our asses and get into positions again.


	11. Just until after practice

_Mark_

As soon as the music started again, I knew something was wrong. Even though the first few moves were not that intense, I was already out of breath and my heart was pounding. I just continued the choreography and tried my best not to let the others notice. Fuck, this choreography is not that hard. Just keep it the fuck together, Mark. It'll be over soon enough.

My heart kept beating faster and faster, and I felt like my lungs were on fire. But I had to keep going. I couldn't fall apart now, not in front of everyone. I had to keep it together, just until after practice. I was exhausted. Next up was my jump, and even before my feet were off the ground I knew I was going to fall. The floor hit me pretty hard, but I was able to somehow catch the fall, so I didn't get hurt.

Jinyoung and Jackson ran over to me immediately, while Jaebum signalled to our choreographer to turn off the music, even though it was a bit unnecessary, and then walked over to me as well. Jinyoung sat down in front of me and asked if I was okay, his voice serious. He then proceeded to check for any injuries, his eyes looking worried. Jaebum stood next to him and leaned down a bit, placing a hand on his shoulder and awaiting the verdict.

Jackson just sat next to me silently, facing me, and held my hand tightly. He brought up his other hand, and wiped away my tears with his thumb. I hadn't even realised I was crying. I wanted to tell them I wasn't hurt, but I somehow couldn't speak. My throat hurt like hell and my eyes were burning. I only noticed I was shaking when Jackson started to rub his hand up and down my back, while softly speaking to me. "Ssshh, it's okay".

"He doesn't seem to have any injuries, but..." Jinyoung started, sounding increasingly worried. "Should we take him to the hospital? Could be something internal" Jaebum said, trying to sound matter-of-factly but unable to hide his worry. I quickly shook my head. I wasn't hurt. I was just... I don't even know what I was. All I know was that I felt like something was crushing my heart.

I wanted to get out of there, I didn't want anyone to see me like this, I wanted the ground to swallow me whole, I wanted to die. I suddenly felt Jackson's hand stop rubbing my back and lightly squeezing my shoulder. He then stood up and I looked up at him. His eyes met mine and it was like they understood. "Can you stand?" He asked. I nodded and he helped me up.

As soon as I was standing I heard Jinyoung's sigh of relief, and I saw Jaebum giving me an encouraging smile. Yugyeom, Bambam and Youngjae were standing together, a bit further away to give me enough space but close enough to see I wasn't hurt. They all looked relieved that I was okay. But I wasn't. I could still feel hot tears streaming down my face and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Jackson put an arm around my shoulder and told the others he was taking me outside for a bit. Even though they looked a bit confused, the other members agreed right away and Jaebum told Jackson that if we needed anything to just call. "Let's go" Jackson said softly, and carefully nudged me to start walking. I let him drag me along with him, not being able to protest. I also didn't want to.

As soon as we reached a quiet bench outside, Jackson sat me down and I started sobbing uncontrollably. Fuck, I didn't want to be like this. But somehow being out of that damned practice room and away from the people who didn't know I had tried to kill myself the day before, opened the floodgates. I pointlessly put my face in my hands and rested my elbows on my thighs. I felt Jackson sit down next to me, and he put his arm around me, pulling me into a comforting hug. He didn't say anything and just let me cry.

After a while I started breathing more steadily, and while I was still crying, I felt a bit better now. I took a deep breath of fresh autumn air and relaxed into Jackson's embrace. He had both his arms around me and rested his chin on my head while I leaned against his chest. He moved his head down a bit and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. He then moved his head up slightly again, his lips against my hair. "What happened?" He mumbled quietly.

I didn't know how to reply. Instead, I grabbed the fabric of his tank top at his waist and pulled him closer. His arms tightened around me and he didn't say anything else. I closed my eyes and let myself be surrounded by him. I listened to his heartbeat and took in his familiar and comforting scent. He felt warm, and I wanted to be in his arms forever. I loved him.

_Jackson_

Mark was still crying, but at least he was breathing normally now, which made me think it was all going to be okay. I knew he wasn't hurt by the fall, but there was something deep inside that made him sad like this. It broke my heart to think that something could make him feel this way. I fought back my own tears, and focussed on comforting him. If there were anything I could wish for, it would be for him to be happy.

After what seemed like hours, he stopped crying and took a few deep breaths. He then looked up at me and quietly said "Thank you". I must've looked confused, because he quickly added "For getting me out of there". His eyes had something in them that I couldn't quite figure out. I gave him a smile and gently squeezed him against me. "It's okay," I said. He tightly wrapped his arms around me. "Anytime" I added, with a wide grin on my face.

We just stayed like that, hugging each other tightly, not caring about people that might've seen us. Not caring about anything else, actually. Mark was cuddled up against me and still had his head against my chest. I prayed my heart would behave and not start beating like crazy, because he would surely notice. I was drawing circles on the back of his neck, and he sighed, making a little muffled noise against my chest. He closed his eyes and I wanted to cuddle him to death.

"I don't want to go back there," he mumbled, eyes still closed. "You don't have to," I said, and I took out my phone to text Jaebum. I texted him that we would just go home so Mark could rest. _Okay, we'll meet up with you guys later_ he texted back. About two seconds later I got a text from Jinyoung saying _Make sure he eats!_ I smiled and put my phone back in my pocket. I loved our group; everyone was always so understanding and kind to each other. Except when we were teasing each other, of course. I wondered why Mark was so afraid to tell the others about how he was really feeling.

A few more minutes of cuddling later, I let go of Mark so I could face him, and he sheepishly opened his eyes and looked at me, giving me a little smile. I felt like leaning down and softly giving him a kiss, but thought better of it and didn't. "Wanna go home?" I asked him. He nodded and carefully let go of me to stretch out his arms, taking a deep breath. Sleepy Mark was most probably the cutest Mark, and I felt myself falling for him even more.


	12. Never leave me

_Mark_

We walked to the apartment together, holding hands. I wondered if this was a thing now. I hoped it was. I looked over at Jackson and it looked like he was thinking deeply about something. Not wanting to disturb him, I kept quiet. I felt a lot better now, but I felt as if something at the pit of my stomach was waiting to claw itself out of there and make me feel like shit again. I tried not to think about it too much.

It was a lot sunnier than yesterday, and everything looked quite beautiful. Except it didn't really. It was more colourful and bright, sure, but nothing more. Everything was still the same as it had always been, just there, lifeless and boring. It was exactly how I felt too, just worthless and shitty. The only thing about me that didn't feel completely worthless was my right hand, which was the one holding onto Jackson.

I suddenly felt tears streaming down my cheeks again, and I almost tripped because I couldn't see properly. Luckily, Jackson caught me and then ruffled my hair with his free hand. "We're almost home," he said, and something in his voice told me he was sad. I felt guilty; the last thing I wanted was to drag him along in my misery. He squeezed my hand lightly and we continued walking towards the apartment.

_Jackson_

He was not okay, and I had no idea what to do. I wanted to somehow make everything better, but I knew that this was something I couldn't simply fix for him, I could only be there to support him in the best way I could possibly think of, but he needed to go through this himself, maybe with some help, but in the end he was the only one who could make this better.

When we finally got to the apartment, I walked him to our room and sat him down on his bed. Then I decided to make him some tea. Before leaving the room I quickly gave him a hug and an empathetic smile. He gave me a small smile back while wiping away his tears with the back of his hand and making a little sniffling sound. I hoped a hot cup of tea with honey would at least help a little.

_Mark_

While Jackson was gone, I didn't know what to do with myself. Those feelings I had before seemed to be coming back, and that terrifying something at the pit of my stomach was aching to come out. I tried my best not to start sobbing uncontrollably again, but hot tears were streaming before I could even make an effort to hold them back. Fuck, breathing is hard.

Why am I so fucking useless and disappointing? Why can I never just do anything right? Why do I like boys instead of girls, why can't I just be normal like everyone else? And who the fuck thought it was a good idea for me to move to Korea, only to become the shittiest idol in goddamn history? I just sit there in silence and don't say anything, just being boring and rude. I don't understand why people even look up to me; I'm literally the worst person.

Suddenly the door opened and Jackson walked in, holding a tray in his hands with what looked like two cups of tea. He stopped in his tracks right when he came in and saw me crying on the floor. "Oh, shit" I heard him say under his breath. He quickly put down the tea on the bedside table and practically threw himself on the floor next to me.

"Another panic attack?" He asked me quietly, putting both his hands gently on my shoulders and looking at me with concerned eyes. I hadn't realised I was having one, but yes, I guess that's what it's called. I nodded. I felt like I was dying. His strong arms wrapped tightly around me and I put my full weight against him. I wished he would never leave me ever again.

_Jackson_

Mark was crying, shaking, falling apart. I wished I could somehow help him. But there was nothing else that I could do besides just being there. I wanted to punch myself for being so useless. Mark took a couple deep breaths to steady himself, and then said "P-please d-don't leave m-me" in between sobs with a shaky voice. "J-just stay w-with m-me, okay? D-dont leave," he managed to add.

"Never" I replied almost too quickly. "I'll stay with you as much as you want Markipooh" I added, in an attempt to somehow soothe him. He didn't say anything else, but sat up and searched for my hand. He found what he was looking for and gently took my hand in both of his. He held it up to his chest and then leaned back against me. A small butterfly made its way up my chest and settled on my heart.

After a couple of minutes, I suddenly remembered the tea I had made us. I quietly let go of Mark, and explained "Come on, your tea is getting cold" when he gave me a confused look. He slowly nodded and let me help him up. I sat him down on his bed again and briefly wondered why he had been on the floor. I then handed him his cup of tea and sat down next to him.

He sipped his tea carefully, and then slowly started taking bigger gulps. I rubbed my hand up and down his back to help him calm down. It seemed to work a bit; despite the fact that he was still crying, he wasn't shaking as much now and seemed to be able to breathe more or less steadily. My own tea was getting cold but I couldn't care less.

By the time he finished drinking his tea he had calmed down but he still seemed upset. I shifted my position and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him against me. He didn't protest and let himself lean back. "Jackson?" He asked carefully. "Hmm?" I replied. "I uhm- I don't trust myself" He said, sounding as if he had been thinking it for a long time. I was slightly confused. "What do you mean?" I asked him.

"It's just- I don't trust myself to be alone anymore..." he almost whispered. I took a few seconds to think about it. "Do you think you would hurt yourself?" I asked him, trying not to sound extremely blunt. He didn't say anything, but dipped his head a little, so I took it as a yes. Fuck, he must've felt terrible. "I'm sorry," I said, regretting to have asked such a question, but simultaneously knowing that I needed to know the answer. "It's okay" he replied softly.

"It's really not," I said, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I'll just always be with you, okay? We'll make tea together from now on," I said, trying to cheer him up a bit. I felt him smile lightly, and the tension in his shoulders became less. "Okay" he simply said. I couldn't help but feel happy at the fact that I was now going to spend every moment with him, and it was hard to hide the fact that I had secretly wanted to do that anyways.

_Mark_

It was hard to describe what I was feeling. It was a combination of relief, because he would look after me, and stress because now he would be spending all his time with me and he made me slightly nervous. And that sort of exciting feeling that made you kind of nauseous. I mentally slapped myself in the face because I was so terribly in love with him.


	13. You can tell me anything

_Mark_

"So.." Jackson broke the silence "Is there anything you would like to talk to me about? Like, what made you feel like this?" He asked carefully, his voice deep and serious and making me want to kiss him. "You don't have to, it's okay" he said, after I didn't say anything. "No, it's just-" I wasn't sure what to say. Part of me wanted to tell him everything, and part of me was fucking scared.

I wanted to tell him about my insecurities, about the fact that I missed home, about how pressured I felt while at the same time feeling empty and like I didn't really want to do anything. I wanted to tell him I was gay, but besides telling him that I loved him, that would be the scariest thing I would have to do in my life so far. Coming from someone who left everything familiar behind to become a k-pop idol.

"It's okay, you can tell me anything," Jackson said sweetly, his lips accidentally brushing against my ear. He was so close to me, and I somehow wanted him to be even closer. I swallowed and cleared my throat. I still had no idea what to say to him, but I decided to just try. He deserved to know, especially after everything he'd done for me.

"Well uhm," I started "I'm not sure why, but lately I feel like so many people expect great things from me, but I just can't- I'm not good enough, you know? And it's like, all that pressure just takes over sometimes and I can't handle it and I just panic and I feel like shit and-" I stopped for a second, realising everything was just pouring out of me now and somehow it kind of felt good. "And?" Jackson said with a small voice, interrupting my thoughts. 

"And sometimes I just want it all to end" I said. Jackson didn't say anything; he just wrapped his arms tighter around me and rested his chin on my shoulder, taking a deep breath. "I mean, I know I'm just being an angsty little fuck, but it's just how I've been feeling and I don't know what to do about it and I want everything to stop" I said, the words coming out quicker than they could form in my mind.

"Don't say that" Jackson said, sounding determined. "It's okay to feel those things, Mark" he continued, "You're not "just being a little fuck", your feelings are valid and so are you, okay?" he placed a soft kiss on the sensitive skin just behind my ear, and I could feel my face getting red. I loved him so fucking much it made me want to cry.

_Jackson_

Part of me was glad that he was opening up to me, but my heart was aching. The things he was saying made me hurt in a way I didn't know I was capable of. But that didn't matter right now, all that mattered was Mark, and the fact that he was vulnerable and I needed to take good care of him.

I thought back of the moment where he was about to jump in front of that car, and I was so close to losing him. The thought alone made me feel like I would go crazy. He really had no idea how much he meant to me, and I somehow wanted to tell him, without scaring him away. It was frustrating, really, because I wanted to help him, tell him how much I cared about him, but also not make him uncomfortable in any way.

I felt Mark shift around a bit, as if something made him feel uneasy. I loosened my arms that were around him a bit, but he didn't move away, so I kept them around his shoulders. "And uhm," he suddenly said, surprising me slightly. "Hmm?" I replied, trying to encourage him. I felt his shoulders tense up and his heartbeat going faster. I prayed it wasn't another panic attack; he was exhausted enough already.

_Mark_

Shit. I wanted to tell him so bad, but I was fucking scared and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. But now I had already made a start and I had to finish it. I had to tell him. There was no backing out now; I just needed to fucking tell him. I felt like I was going to die right then and there.

_Jackson_

Mark took a few deep breaths and tried to speak up again, but it seemed like he physically couldn't. I wondered what made him so nervous. "It's okay, you can tell me anything" I encouraged, "I won't go anywhere, no matter what" I added, meaning every single word. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath again.

"So uhm-" he started "I want to tell you something, but- I uhm- shit" he said, and I noticed he was pressing his palms together, in an attempt to calm himself down. I couldn't help but smile a little at his swearing. "It's okay, you can tell me if you want to" I reassured him. He nodded.

"So I'm- I'm gay" he said, almost like he wasn't too sure of it. A big smile was creeping its way up my face and I was glad Mark had his back turned to me so he couldn't see. I somehow found it really cute that it had made him so nervous to tell me, but I could relate, it's scary as hell to come out to someone.

"Really?" I asked, regretting it immediately. Of course, or he wouldn't have said it, idiot. "Y-yeah" he replied nervously. "Sorry" I said, letting out a chuckle. "It's okay, I'm really glad you told me" I said. He turned his head around to face me "Really?" he asked, sounding genuinely surprised. "Y-yeah" I replied, mocking his nervous tone earlier.

Pushing himself up out of my embrace, he punched me on my arm playfully and laughed. God, he was so cute when he laughed. I also noticed he was blushing slightly. I was pretty sure he was the definition of cinnamon roll. "I'm actually bi," I suddenly said, not really knowing where the hell that came from. "Don't know why I just said that" I laughed awkwardly.

"It's okay, I'm really glad you told me" Mark said cutely, smiling widely. I thought I was going to die. How could someone be this fucking cute holy shit. The next thought that occurred to me was the fact that there was a chance that he could like me the way I liked him, and I regretted thinking it because I immediately felt my face getting warmer.

_Mark_

Holy fuck. He wasn't straight. I felt like I would need a while to let it sink in. All this time my crush on him had felt so hopeless because there was no chance that he would like me back, but now? Now things were different and I suddenly felt really nervous. Not that him being attracted to guys made him attracted to me, of course. What the hell am I even thinking; there is no way in hell someone like Jackson could ever have feelings for someone like me.

_Jackson_

I wanted to tell him. No, ask him. I wanted to know if he had feelings for me, even though it sounded ridiculous. But we had held hands before, cuddled, slept together. But we were just friends, right? All those things had just seemed like something best friends would do together sometimes, especially if one of them was feeling down. Except I was hopelessly in love with him.

I suddenly got very nervous, only just realising how much I actually liked Mark, and a small voice at the back of my head telling me I might have a chance with him, while another argued that I wasn't good for him anyway. Mark was sitting in front of me, his body facing me but his head dipped down. "Something wrong?" I asked, trying to focus on him instead of my heart beating like crazy.

He looked up at me and gave me the cutest little smile. "I'm okay," he said, but something in his eyes made me suspicious. "You sure?" I asked him. "Not really," he said truthfully "but I feel a lot better" he added quickly, taking my hand in his and giving it a light squeeze. "Good," I smiled at him, bringing up my hand and ruffling it through his fluffy hair. It was super soft and so was I.


	14. I don't want to be alone

_Jackson_

Mark had shifted his position and was now sitting in my lap and resting his head on my chest. He had one arm around my waist, with his hand tightly gripping onto the fabric of my tank top. His other hand was holding onto my arm that was wrapped around him, while my other hand was on his head, my fingers entangled in his soft hair.

It felt different now. Having him in my arms while thinking it just might mean something more than before. I quickly thought I was being stupid, because of course we were just friends, we always had been, and we were just really close. But still, it felt like something... different. I figured it was probably just me.

After a while of sitting in silence and cuddling, I noticed Mark glancing over towards the bathroom door and then looking down again and shaking his head lightly. I figured he might have wanted to take a shower, so I asked him "Do you want to take a shower?" He looked up at me, looking a bit startled.

_Mark_

"I mean- I do, but-" I started. "But what?" he asked. "It's just- I- I can't-" I fell silent for a second. _I don't want to be alone_ , I thought. "Should I uhm-" Jackson suddenly said "Do you want me to come with you?" he asked, almost hesitantly. _Yes._ "I uhm- sure, I mean- yes" I stuttered in reply. "I mean- if you want to, it's not- you don't have to" I added, feeling my face getting redder and redder.

"It's okay, I want to" Jackson replied, giving me a smile. My heart skipped a beat. _I want to._ He probably didn't mean it that way, right? I mean, the fact that I had all these feelings and I was nervous as hell didn't mean he felt the same way about the situation. But still, even though we were close, we had never seen each other fully naked before, let alone showered together, and I felt my hands become clammy at just the thought of it.

I slowly moved out of his arms and walked towards our closet to grab a towel. I very consciously grabbed two, one for me, and one for Jackson. Who was going to shower with me. Jackson. And me. Together. Taking a shower. No biggie. I looked over at Jackson and threw him one of the towels. "Thanks" he said, catching it and getting up himself.

_Jackson_

Holy shit. I tried my best to be cool about it, but I felt my heart racing. I started by taking off my tank top, and noticed Mark just standing still and looking at me. I gave him a small smile and he suddenly blinked and started blushing. Or maybe I was imagining things. I definitely didn't imagine him taking his shirt off as well and looking like the most perfect sculpture I had ever seen. I even lightly pinched myself without him seeing, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

I then proceeded to take off my pants, taking my underwear along with them. Just casually. I tried to remember if we had ever seen each other naked before, but I wasn't sure, since we had been friends for so long. But if we had, it had definitely been different than now. It had definitely not felt like this. I felt shy, but I tried my best not to show it. Mark had turned his back to me in the meantime and sat down on the bed, quickly undressing himself without me seeing too much, even though I would be seeing everything eventually.

Making an awkward coughing noise, I walked towards the bathroom, taking my towel with me and trying not to look at Mark. I felt him get up from the bed and following me. He closed the door behind us, locking it. My heart jumped a little at the sound of it. I turned around to look at him and thought I would faint at the sheer beauty. He gave me a shy smile and I quickly closed my mouth, only realising then it had been hanging open.

_Mark_

Damn. Jackson looked even better than I had imagined. Not that I had done that very often, obviously. Of course. Only a few times. But back to the main topic; Jackson looked like... Like... Like something I didn't even have the words to describe. His muscles were defined, his skin lightly tanned, and everything was perfectly proportioned. I felt myself blushing furiously but decided not to care at this point. I would blame it on my shyness if he asked.

Jackson stepped in the shower and turned on the water, jumping back a little because it was still cold. I couldn't contain a smile. He then put his hand under the stream and waited until it was hot, looking up at the showerhead, as if it would make the process go faster. He looked super serious and it was adorable. After a while he stretched out his other arm to me, still looking up and keeping his hand under the stream, making sure it was still warm. I took his hand, feeling shy as fuck, and let myself be led under the shower with him.

_Jackson_

Mark's hand felt clammy, and I wondered if he felt as nervous as I did. Probably not. Or maybe because he was shy. I let him step under the shower and stepped back a little, letting him stand in front of me. He was stood with his back towards me, and I had no idea what to do. I felt like wrapping my arms around him, kissing his neck all the way down to his shoulder. "Do you want the shampoo?" I asked him instead.

He nodded slightly, so I grabbed the bottle and put some of its content on my hand. "Turn around, I don't want to accidentally blind you," I said. He laughed awkwardly and turned around, looking at me with those beautiful and adorable eyes. I swallowed slightly, clearing my throat for no apparent reason, and carefully lowered my hands onto his hair.

_Mark_

Jackson's eyes were fixed on my hair, while he massaged his fingers through it, making sure the shampoo was thoroughly applied. He was surprisingly good at it. I just stood there awkwardly, trying not to get sleepy at the touch. There was just something about it that felt really good, and it was relaxing too, even though I still felt my heart racing like crazy.

"There you go," he said, and I opened my eyes, barely realizing I had closed them. "Thanks" I smiled at him. I leaned back, putting my head under the stream of hot water and closed my eyes, starting to wash the soap out of my hair. The hot water felt really nice, running down my back and relaxing my muscles. I started to relax a bit more when suddenly-

_Jackson_

I just couldn't help it- He looked so, so- Stunning. I stepped forward a little, closing the space between us. Our stomachs touched lightly, making my breath hitch. I brought up a hand to his cheek, brushing my fingers against his skin and cupping his face. He opened his eyes at the touch and widened them in surprise, but didn't say anything.

_Mark_

His touch was gentle, and my heart was going crazy. He was coming closer and I couldn't breathe properly. The thoughts in my head were racing and I couldn't distinguish any of it. Jackson was coming closer, his eyes fixed on my mouth, and his lips slightly parted. And then he stopped, with just barely an inch between us.

_Jackson_

I wanted this. More than anything. But I had no idea if he felt the same way. I was afraid he would hate me after this. I closed my eyes and started slowly moving back again, when Mark kissed me.


	15. Just us

_Mark_

I felt my lips trembling against his, but kept them there, not really sure about what to do next. Jackson brought his other hand up to my cheek as well and pulled me closer to him. His lips were moving lightly, and I followed his lead. The kiss was careful, shy, probably the sweetest thing in the world. He tasted like coffee and sugar and it was my new favourite taste.

I was kissing him. He was kissing me. His hands were gently cupping my face and I felt like my heart was going to explode. The kiss was making me dizzy; it was a little too much for me to wrap my head around. I placed my hands on his chest to support myself and felt his heart beating fast. I smiled a little.

_Jackson_

His lips were soft, and I was afraid of breaking him. I broke our lips apart for a second to look at him. He was smiling at me sheepishly and my heart fluttered. I smiled and connected our lips again, this time deepening the kiss. I moved my hands down from his cheeks to his hips and pulled his body against mine. I felt his breath hitch a little at the cold touch, but he didn't pull away.

Mark had wrapped his arms around my neck, with one hand placed on the back of my head, fingers tugging lightly at my hair. I wondered if he knew how crazy it made me. He pressed his lips against mine with more confidence and I wondered if it would kill me. I smiled and thought to myself it would be the best way to go.

_Mark_

Jackson's hands had wandered from my hips to the small of my back. His fingers brushed against my skin, drawing small patterns, making something tickle at the pit of my stomach. I had never known something could ever feel this good. I could feel myself getting lost in kissing him and not regretting any of it.

There was only him and only me. There was just us and this moment. And in this moment, all I could feel was happiness. Nothing felt dark or terrifying, there was just him. I felt safe and warm. He kissed me like I was the only one in the world, and that's exactly how I felt.

_Jackson_

Everything about Mark was soft and made me feel butterflies. And he was so, so fucking beautiful. While he kissed me and slightly trembled against my body, I felt myself falling for him even more. And as he lightly pressed his fingers into my skin and played with my hair, I thought I would lose my mind.

"I'm so in love with you" I heard myself say before realising it. Shit. Even though I had meant it, I suddenly felt terrified. I looked up at him nervously. Mark looked at me and let out the cutest giggle I had ever heard before saying "Me too". He connected our lips again and I was smiling so much I felt my cheeks beginning to ache.

As if on terrible cue, the water started to become cold, making Mark jump forwards a little with a surprised "Aish-". He almost knocked me over when doing so, gripping me tightly to prevent us from falling over and making us both laugh uncontrollably. Although it might have been the awkwardness of just having kissed and being relieved that the feeling was mutual.

_Mark_

While we laughed, I suddenly realised we were being pretty loud, our laughter coming from the bathroom, which was maybe a bit suspicious. "Shhh, what if someone's home already?" I said, looking up at Jackson, who quieted down with difficulty. I couldn't help but let out one last snort, which I knew was unattractive. "You're so cute," Jackson said, giving me a small kiss on the cheek. Even though we had just been making out, both naked under the shower, I still felt myself blushing.

"Alright, you stay here for a second, I'll go and check if anyone's home. I'm better at lying anyway since I'm an actor,” he said with a mock-serious face. "You're terrible, just go" I replied, playfully punching his arm. "Are you questioning my abilities?" he continued his act "How can you do this to me Mark?" he put a hand to his chest, looking hurt. "Just go, idiot.." I said with the biggest smile on my face. He didn't seem to be able to keep up his performance and smiled back at me, letting out a little chuckle. "Alright, be right back," he said before wrapping a towel around his torso and stepping out of the bathroom.

I stayed just behind the door, listening carefully. Less than twenty seconds later, he came back, almost slamming the door into my face, and told me the coast was clear. I let out a sigh of relief, even though we could've easily come up with a lie. Jackson fell silent, and he just looked at me. He then grabbed a towel and threw it at me. "You should probably cover yourself," he said before turning away, and only then I realised I was still completely naked. I could've sworn he was blushing a little.

_Jackson_

While we were getting dressed, I found myself smiling and not being able to stop. I avoided his gaze, just so I wouldn't throw him on the bed and start kissing him again. He liked me, and holy shit did I like him back. Once I was dressed I turned around to see Mark stopping halfway through putting on a sweater and he laughed at me, pointing somewhere in my direction. "Your shirt's inside out." He giggled. "Ohh" I replied, feeling slightly embarrassed and putting it on the right way. Guess I must've been a little distracted.

Mark was just so cute. Like, the cutest human to ever exist. If he was even human, that is. If not, the cutest angel to ever exist. While he finished putting on his sweater and messed up his hair, I absentmindedly wondered if I was the only one to believe in my conspiracy theory.

_Mark_

After we were both dressed, Jackson walked up to me and grabbed my hand, dragging me out of the room and towards the kitchen. "You must be hungry," he simply stated, and started pulling open cupboards. "Ramen?" he asked. "Sure" I replied, "You know how I like it, right?" I added cheekily. "Of course, even our fans know these things" he laughed.

"Are you saying you're my fan, Jackson?" I said, feeling mischievous. Apparently Jackson was feeling even more so, as he replied with "Mark oppaaa~" while jumping up and down and putting his fists in the air like an excited fangirl. "Stop it" I laughed, to which he replied by singing our song _Stop It_ and even doing the choreography. I laughed and put my face in my hands with an exasperated sigh. How had I even dealt so well with all this adorable craziness all these years?


	16. What are we?

_Jackson_

After I finished cooking the ramen, I brought the bowls to the coffee table in front of the couch and sat down, patting the empty space next to me indicating Mark to sit with me. He walked over and sat next to me, our thighs touching. I had always thought I had pretty strong thighs, but right now they felt like jelly.

"Careful, it's hot" I told Mark as he reached over to grab his bowl of ramen. He nodded and carefully held the bowl up to his chest. He tasted some of the ramen and said, "Delicious, but you're right, it's a bit hot still," and placed the bowl back on the table. A smile crept its way up my face "What should we do while we wait for it to cool down?" I asked him, failing to resist the urge to wiggle my eyebrows.

He smiled back at me and said, "Well, what do you wanna do?" while shifting a bit closer to me. "Why don't we... pick up where we left off?" I suggested, knowing how cringey I just sounded. "Ugh, you're terrible!" Mark giggled while hiding his face in my shirt and playfully punching my arm. "Why? Don't want to?" I said, trying to sound offended. He looked up from my shirt and smiled at me cutely "I didn't say that". I smiled and held his chin with my thumb and index finger, bringing his lips closer to mine. "Good" I said, before connecting them.

_Mark_

I just couldn't wrap my head around how Jackson was so casual about this. He seemed so calm while my thoughts were going crazy and my heart felt exhausted from beating so fast. He broke our lips apart, only to shift his position so he was facing me, and while kissing me again, he grabbed my hands and pulled me onto his lap. Once I was sitting comfortably, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him against me.

His hands had sneakily found their way under my sweater and were drawing small patterns on the small of my back. His hands felt warm and made my stomach tingle. His kisses were slow but sweet and I felt his lips smile against mine. His kisses made me a little dizzy. Even though we had showered and we pretty much smelled the same, there was still this scent of Jackson, and it made me want to hold on to him forever to be surrounded by it.

I suddenly felt scared that this, us being together like this, didn't mean the same to him as it did to me. "Jackson?" I said quietly, pulling back from the kiss. "Hmm, Markipooh?" he replied cutely, smiling at me. "What are we?" I asked, feeling absolutely terrified. Jackson looked confused "What do you mean?" he asked. I internally gathered my courage. "Well, I mean- I know we're best friends but-" "Why, want to be my boyfriend?" He interrupted, smiling mischievously.

"Wha-" I stuttered, completely taken aback "Do you like the sound of that? Boyfriend?" he continued "Let's be boyfriends? You're my boyfriend, I'm your boyfriend. I'm yours, you're mine, we're boyfriends." he smiled cutely at me, making me let out an embarrassed giggle. "Stop saying that word, you're making me blush," I said, unable to hide a smile. "What word, boyfriend?" He said innocently, his smile growing bigger.

"Are you embarrassed? My boyfriend?" he teased. "I hate you." I said, lightly punching his arm. "Ouch" he laughed, "No you don't, you love me, you're my boyfriend" he let out a scream while I punched him again. "What's the matter, don't want to be my boyfriend?" He laughed "Boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend boyf-" I interrupted him by pushing him down on the couch and sitting on top of him, my hands on his shoulders so he couldn't escape. He seemed a little surprised but still had that mischievous smile. "Fine" I said, trying not to smile like an idiot. I lowered my face to his and whispered "Boyfriend" before kissing him.

_Jackson_

"Fine" he said, scrunching up his nose in the most adorable way and whispering "Boyfriend" before kissing me. We were both smiling like idiots and I pulled him down onto me so I could wrap my arms around him. I felt warm and I was so in love with him. It couldn't get better than this. I promised myself I would make him happy no matter what.

Suddenly I heard someone at the door and I quickly pushed Mark off of me, who looked flustered but didn't protest and straightened his clothes and hair. I followed his lead and tried to cool down my burning cheeks. The first to come in was Jinyoung, who sat down on the couch in between us, even though there wasn't much space, and hugged Mark.

"Are you feeling better?" Jinyoung asked a flustered Mark in his arms. He didn't reply so Jinyoung turned his head to me and asked, "Did you take good care of our hyung?" "Of course" I replied "He's doing much better now" I added, forcing myself to smile and look natural, while honestly I wanted to punch Jinyoung for interrupting us and hugging Mark.

"Ooohh you guys made ramen!" Youngjae said while entering the room. "Isn't that Mark's special recipe?" he said while grabbing my bowl and having a taste. I wanted to boast about having made it, but decided against it. "Hmm, it turned cold.." Youngjae said, sounding disappointed, and proceeded to the kitchen to look for snacks. I felt my cheeks starting to become red again thinking about how long we had been making out for. Jinyoung was still hugging Mark.

Bambam and Yugyeom entered, squabbling about something and ignoring everyone else. "See if you can beat me then!" Bambam shouted, "I'll kick your ass!" Yugyeom shouted in reply. "I'll definitely win!" Bambam countered. He paused and looked at Yugyeom with a mischievous smile. "EASYYY" they both screamed in unison and started laughing. Jinyoung was still hugging Mark.

"Oh, are you guys gonna play?" Youngjae said, his head popping into vision from behind the kitchen counter. "Mhm" Bambam nodded. "I'm coming too!" Youngjae said, and grabbed a few random bags and drinks before quickly following Yugyeom and Bambam into their bedroom. Jinyoung was still hugging Mark, gently patting his head.

Jaebum entered the room, looking pretty tired. "How are you guys doing? Mark, you feeling better?" he asked, his eyes still looking a bit concerned. Mark nodded and smiled at him from Jinyoung's arms. I stood up and walked towards Jaebum, hugging his arm. "When did you become so handsome Jaebum?" I said sweetly. He smiled and replied, "Alright, what do you want?" I put a shocked expression on my face. "I don't want anything! Can't I just compliment you? Why do you assume the worst of me?" I said, trying to sound hurt. "It's okay Jackson, just tell me what you want" he replied, giving me a tired smile.

I actually didn't want anything this time. Except maybe making Mark a little jealous. Maybe. But now I had to come up with something believable. "Well since you're insisting on giving me something, how about pork belly for dinner?" I asked him fluttering my eyelashes. Jaebum smiled while lightly shaking his head and said "How about I treat everyone next weekend?" "Thanks hyung~" I replied excitedly while jumping up and down and tugging his arm.

"Jackson, you're awesome!" Jinyoung said suddenly, holding up his hand for a high-five. I walked over to give him a high-five and tried to pull him off of Mark while I was at it. He reluctantly stood up, giving me a confused laugh. "Wang puppy," I said while wrapping my arms around his waist and smiling at him with puppy eyes. "Park puppy" he replied, hugging me and burying his head against my shoulder in embarrassment.

"HEY! What about me?!" Mark shouted suddenly. I quickly let go of Jinyoung and threw myself onto the couch and hugged him tightly "Markipooh~" I cooed happily while he hugged me back. "You guys are weird" Jaebum commented while Jinyoung chuckled and shook his head. "I'm gonna take a nap" Jaebum announced, and walked towards his bedroom. "Same, I'll join you" Jinyoung said, and followed him. Before going into the room, Jinyoung turned around and said "Make sure you guys eat something besides cold ramen, okay?"


	17. Boyfriends

_Mark_

We were back to reality now. Just me and Jackson, awkwardly sitting next to each other on the couch, two bowls of cold ramen on the coffee table in front of us. It suddenly felt different than before, as if it had all been just a dream and now I was just left with my feelings. It was a pretty good dream though, so I wasn’t complaining.

Maybe it was the fact that everyone was back home now, and Jackson and I were no longer alone in our little bubble. Okay, pretty sure it’s that. But still, I had no idea what to do now. Like, were we just going to pretend like nothing had happened between us? Or would I have to come out to all my members and perhaps our manager and oh god, to the public? Or would we keep it a secret between the two of us and just make out when we were alone? That last thought made me blush a little.

“What are you thinking about?” Jackson asked, resting his head on my shoulder. “I don’t even know” I sighed in reply. I could feel myself tensing up at the thought of having to come out to my group members eventually, with or without Jackson. Although my preference was definitely with. I just had no idea how they would react. I was so afraid that they would hate me, or even treat me differently, like I was some sort of freak.

Jackson seemed to sense the fact that I was stressing out about something and said “Mark, talk to me”. I shook my head slightly “Not here” I replied. I didn’t feel comfortable to just talk freely in the living room, anyone could just walk in at any moment. “Hungry?” He changed the subject. I nodded. He stood up from the couch and took the two bowls to the kitchen, quickly warming them up again in the microwave.

When he returned with the food, we just sat quietly, eating our ramen. I finished eating first, and told Jackson it was good. He smiled happily at me in reply. Once he finished eating too, I put the bowls in the sink and let them fill with water. While I was standing there, Jackson came to stand behind me and grabbed my wrist. “Done?” he asked. I hummed in reply and turned off the tap.

Jackson pulled me towards our room and made sure to close the door behind us. I felt my face getting warmer again. Why was he being so quiet? While keeping a tight grip on my wrist, he pulled back the blanket of his bed, carefully positioned me with my back towards the mattress, and pressed down on my shoulder with his free hand, so I sat down. He then let go of my wrist and gently pushed on my shoulders again for me to lay down. I did as he non-verbally told me to, and he lay down as well, facing me. He wrapped his arms and legs around me and pulled me close to him in a tight hug.

“Now, talk to me” he said. I couldn’t help but let out a sigh and smiled at him. I seriously loved this boy. I just had no idea where to start. The whole having to come out thing… It was just terrifying and I didn’t want to think about it. “Mark?” Jackson said softly, breaking the silence. I buried my face in his shirt and mumbled “I don’t know what to do Jackson… I’m scared”.

_Jackson_

I felt him tighten his grip on my shirt, and I carefully asked “What is it Markipooh, what are you scared of?”. “Do you think we should tell them?” he said with a muffled voice. It tickled a little when he spoke against the fabric of my shirt. “I think… It’s best to tell them no matter what… They’re like our family, you know?” I said, and placed a kiss on his forehead. I knew we were talking about our fellow group members, and honestly, I was terrified too.

“I know..” he started “But what if they treat us differently if we do? What if they’ll hate me? I care too much about them, I don’t want to lose them..” he said. Mark was right to be scared, I honestly knew how he felt, but at the same time I didn’t want to hide this, I wanted to yell from the rooftops how much I loved him.“They won’t hate you, after all we’ve been through together, they could never hate you Mark, I’m pretty sure if even you committed a crime they would still support you… And being gay, being in love with someone, is not even close to a crime.” I said, knowing it was true. The seven of us.. we had a bond stronger than friends, stronger than family.

“I would never commit a crime though?” Mark looked up and gave me an innocent smile. “You already have though?” I replied, trying my best to look serious. “What?” He looked confused “What are you talking about?”. “Don’t you remember?” I said, still keeping up my acting. Mark confusedly shook his head, waiting for me to explain. “Markipooh, you stole my heart, that’s a serious crime!” I said, not able to keep in my laughter anymore. Mark let out the cutest giggle and hid his face in my shirt again. “You’re terrible” he said.

“But.. back to what we were talking about, we’re not gonna pretend like nothing happened right?” I said, almost regretting making the mood so serious again “We need to tell them Mark, and better sooner than later”. Mark was silent for a bit before he spoke. “Do we really have to tell them? What if we’re just really careful so they don’t find out? Then we could just be together without anyone bothering us or treating us weirdly” he said, not sounding very convinced.

“I understand if you’re not ready just yet, but I don’t think hiding is the answer. I mean, they could’ve seen us today.” I said, remembering how my heart had dropped when I heard the front door while I was making out with the cutest, hottest, most amazing and kind person alive, on the couch in our fucking living room. It would’ve been bad if the others had seen us like that.

I mean, they would’ve been shocked to suddenly see two group members making out, especially out of fucking nowhere. Honestly, I was scared it would change our amazing group dynamics if there would suddenly be a couple among us. But then again, things were already different. We couldn’t just go back to how things were before between the two of us. I didn’t want to do that either.

_Mark_

“You’re right” I finally said. Hiding forever was not an option. Even if they didn’t find out today, they could find out tomorrow, if not the day after, or the day after that. I just… wasn’t ready for it just yet. Coming out to Jackson and everything that had happened after was already too much to wrap my head around, and I didn’t know if I could do something so terrifying again.

As if reading my mind, Jackson said “We don’t have to yet if you’re not ready of course, you’ve been through a lot already” he quickly gave me a soft kiss on my forehead before saying “I won’t force you to do anything, okay? Whenever you feel ready we can tell them” I smiled and looked up at him. He tilted his head down a bit to look back at me and give me the sweetest smile. I noticed he had a bit of a double chin, if only so slightly.

“Alright” I replied to him. I shifted myself even closer to him and shyly pressed my lips onto his. I could never get used to this. He tasted more like ramen this time. My favourite kind. He kissed me back tenderly and tightened his arms around me. My heart was beating fast and I felt myself turning into a strawberry. I broke apart from the kiss and smiled at him. “I like you a lot” I told him.

Jackson let out an adorable squeal and hid his face in my sweater, while he kept giggling like a little kid. “What?” I chuckled, feeling a bit embarrassed and shy. He looked up at me with his puppy eyes and said “Me too” before squealing again. He then shifted his position and leaned over me, looking over my face with a mischievous smirk. “You’re so cute” he said, before planting small kisses all over my face while I couldn’t contain my laughter. _No_ , I thought, _you’re cute_.

 

_[A/N; hey everyone, how are you doing? ^^ I want to apologise for not uploading in forever, I’m so sorry to have made you guys wait so long ;-; There has been a lot of personal shit going on which stopped me from writing for a while, and I took a break from uni, however there is still a group project that I need to work on and ugh it’s just really stressful ;-; I thought to myself that I would put that project first and above anything else to just get it done with, and I would ‘reward myself’ by uploading again and doing what I love once that would be finished. Honestly it made me fucking miserable and even more stressed out because whenever I felt like writing I would think to myself “don’t be a selfish piece of shit and just finish this group project first”._

_Today my very good and amazing and adorable and sweet friend told me to just write and take a break if I was feeling creative, because my team members are being shits anyways (I literally need to give them phone calls to ask what is happening with the group work) and she reminded me that one of the reasons I took a break from uni was to work on myself and that feeling creative and doing what I love is important too (if not more) and yeah I love her for that and I just decided to fuck it and upload today ^^ (if ur reading this I love u bish, I ain’t never gonna stop loving you bish lmao) so for any of you who are still reading this long-ass rant (soz lmao) please keep doing what you love, even if it’s just during a few small moments, because I didn’t for a while, and yeah it just sucks :’) EVERYONE JUST DO WHAT U LOVE AND LIVE YOUR DREAM OKAY ILY <3]_


	18. Pizza pizza~

_Jackson_

Mark was being absolutely adorable and I felt like I needed to protect him at all costs. I was going to do whatever it takes to make this cinnamon bun happy. I was going to take care of him, making sure he ate enough, slept enough, did exercise without overworking himself, and would take a shower every day. Maybe together with me. I mean, it would be convenient, logistically speaking, and let’s not forget that it would save water which is good for the environment!

He was currently cuddled up against me, with his arm around my stomach and his head resting on my chest. We were just laying there in silence, both smiling like idiots. He carefully moved his head up, and placed a soft kiss on my neck. I instantly felt myself blushing furiously and my heart beating faster. “Hey, you better not make any trouble” I said quietly, but loud enough for him to hear.

He let out the most adorable giggle, and I felt his lips smiling against my skin. “I promise I won’t” he said, almost a whisper. He then proceeded to leave a trail of little kisses from just beneath my ear all the way down to my collarbone. “You taste nice” he said “And I like you a lot” he added cheekily, giving me a sweet smile before going back to cuddling me. I felt so happy I thought I would start floating into the sky any second now.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and Mark let go of me and sat up with messy hair and a slight pout. I sat up as well and smiled at him, ruffling my hand through his hair and messing it up even more before standing up to answer the door. He quickly straightened his hair and stuck out his tongue at me playfully. At the door was Jinyoung, once again ruining my life.

“We’re ordering pizza, what do you guys want?” he asked. All of a sudden my negative feelings towards him went away. “Four cheeses for me, how about you, Markipooh?” I asked, while turning my head to look at him. His expression of surprise combined with slight confusion was the cutest thing. “Uhh, pepperoni for me I guess” he answered, to which Jinyoung replied with a nod and a smile before saying “The kids want to watch a movie while we eat, you guys should join us.”

_Mark_

After giving Jinyoung a nod and saying something about taking care of the blankets, Jackson closed the door again and started rummaging through the closet. I just watched him while I was still sat on the bed, feeling slightly disappointed that we couldn’t just cuddle. But I figured that even if we wouldn’t watch a movie with the others we’d still have to come out of our room at some point to eat the pizza.

Jackson found what he was looking for and turned to me with a smile that was barely visible from behind the pile of blankets he was holding. However his smile quickly turned into a frown. “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting down the blankets and sitting next to me. “It’s nothing” I replied, trying my best to look neutral. “Come on, you can tell me” he said, putting his arm around me and rubbing my shoulder with his thumb.

I leaned into his embrace and let out a small sigh. _Well this is embarrassing._ “I just wanted to cuddle with you, but I guess we can’t around the others” I said, almost a mumble. Jackson laughed cutely, bringing up his hand to my hair and placing a kiss on the top of my head. “We can still cuddle Markipooh, did you forget that we are Markson? Only the best couple of GOT7? And like everyone is so gay in our group, we all cuddle and kiss each other on the cheek at some point.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his last comment, because even if we weren’t gay we sure acted like it. “You’re right, but what if they get suspicious because… I don’t know… We’re a bit… different now?” I questioned, sitting up straight and looking directly at him. A mischievous smirk started to form on his lips and he moved closer to me until he was close enough to kiss me. “We’ll just have to be discreet about it then” he whispered, making me blush within 0.3 seconds.

“Come on, we’ll be fine” he said while standing up and grabbing my hand to pull me along with him. I took a deep breath and followed him into the living room while he carried the huge pile of blankets on his free arm. The three youngest members were sat on the floor and fighting over which movie to watch, Jaebum sat behind them on the couch, pretending not to really care but voicing his opinion every now and then. Jinyoung was in the kitchen preparing drinks and snacks.

I let go of Jackson to go and help Jinyoung with carrying everything to the living room, and maybe also to not be suspicious to stick to Jackson all the time. Jinyoung greeted me with a grateful smile and told me to bring the drinking glasses. I looked over at Jackson, who was enthusiastically telling everyone that he’d brought the blankets and then proceeded to putting them on the others one by one, even if they refused. I laughed quietly and shook my head.

Yugyeom suddenly stood up and ran up to Jinyoung. “Mom, make us popcorn please~” he said cutely while hugging the other and earning a smile before getting hit. “All right, I’ll make it for you guys” Jinyoung replied dryly. “Thank you, I love you~” Yugyeom said while making a heart by putting his arms over his head with his hands coming together in the middle. Jinyoung looked up at him as if he was going to hit him again, so Yugyeom pretended not to notice and happily went back to where Youngjae and Bambam were sitting.

Jackson was currently sitting next to Jaebum on the couch, putting another blanket on him and explaining how soft and awesome the materials were. Jaebum was smiling but his eyes were definitely not. To prevent anything bad from happening I sat down on the other couch and asked Jackson about my blanket, to which he happily came over to my side with a purple fleece blanket and another one with coloured polka dots.

_Jackson_

After putting two blankets over the two of us, I decided that this spot next to Mark would remain mine for the evening. While the others were still picking the movie and Jinyoung was making popcorn, I carefully searched for Marks hand under the blankets, a smile creeping its way on my face when I found it and he intertwined his fingers with mine.

It didn’t take long for the pizza to arrive, and soon everyone was sitting down in front of the TV after the movie was finally decided on. Jinyoung had decided to sit in between Yugyeom and Bambam to prevent them from making too much of a mess, and Youngjae and Jaebum sat next to each other, sharing a big blanket. And even though I was paying more attention to Mark and the way he drew cute little circles on my hand with his thumb, I felt really warm and happy for being together with the members like this.

Despite the fact that the two maknaes kept throwing popcorn at each other while getting hit by Jinyoung who was getting tired of their shit, we were all enjoying the movie and delicious food, while making stupid comments on what was happening on screen. About forty-five minutes in, Youngjae had fallen asleep on Jaebum’s shoulder, to which Mark quietly commented that it was adorable how Jaebum had pulled up the blanket to cover Youngjae more warmly.

Mark was sitting on my lap and cuddled up to me, his arms tightly hugging my waist while he rested his head against my shoulder, his hair tickling my face. I had my arms around him as well and pulled him even closer. His breathing was slow and steady, and I looked down at him to see he had fallen asleep as well. I smiled widely, thinking Mark was the cutest person in existence.


	19. T-shirt and boxers

_Jackson_

After the movie ended, Mark was still asleep on my lap, his breaths slow and steady, his lips slightly pouting. It was the cutest thing and I couldn’t help but smile. I was contemplating whether I would wake him up or just carry him to bed myself, although the latter was more appealing because one, it would be another excuse to have him in my arms and maybe sort of (but not really) accidentally fall asleep on the same bed, and two, he looked really peaceful, sleeping like this.

I looked over at Jinyoung, who had fallen asleep on Yugyeom and was getting popcorn placed all over him by a giggling Bambam. Yugyeom did his best not to laugh as to not wake his hyung, but I could tell it was difficult. Jaebum did not give a single fuck about what was happening to his friend, but instead was trying to wake up Youngjae, who was still resting heavily on his shoulder.

“Youngjae-ah~” he said cutely “Could you wake up please? Let’s go to bed, yeah?”. Youngjae moved a little, his mouth opening but eyes staying closed. “Hyung… you’re not making any sense…” he said sleepily. Jaebum looked a bit confused, “What do you mean?” he asked. A slight frown appeared on Youngjae’s face, but he still had his eyes closed. “You’re telling me to wake up to go to sleep… That doesn’t make any sense, hyung..”

Jaebum smiled at the cute little ball of sleepy fluff that was Youngjae, and explained to him that he meant it would be more comfortable sleeping on a bed rather than a sofa, to which Youngjae replied with a sleepy “Oh”. Jaebum shook his head, smiling widely, and let out a sigh. He carefully shifted Youngjae off of him so he could stand up, and then proceeded to kneel in front of the couch with his back turned to Youngjae. “Come on, I’ll carry you” he said. Youngjae hummed in agreement, barely opening his eyes, and climbed onto Jaebum’s back.

While Jaebum carried a sleepy Youngjae to bed, Bambam and Yugyeom were whispering whether they should put a piece of popcorn in Jinyoung’s mouth too. Bambam thought it would be hilarious, Yugyeom said it would wake him up for sure, and they would really be in trouble if he did. I grinned widely and told them they would get in trouble anyway eventually.

I decided it would be best for my own safety if I went to my room before Jinyoung would wake up and I would be caught in the middle of the chaos. I carefully untied Marks hands from my waist and put his arms around my neck. After shifting around a bit, I lifted Mark up bridal-style and carried him to our room after wishing the others a good night. The two youngsters were too busy with their popcorn contemplating that they hadn’t noticed the fact that I was smiling like a fucking idiot because Mark was being sleepy Mark and Mark was fucking adorable.

Laying Mark down on the bed wasn’t too difficult, but getting him to let go so I could get changed, was the hard part. “Markipooh…” I whispered softly “… just let me go for a second, okay? I will come back to you right away, okay?” Mark let out a sleepy moan and put his leg over me, as if it would make it harder for me to escape. I smiled and decided that desperate times called for desperate measures.

My first tactic was to softly blow in his face, making him scrunch up his nose in the most adorable way. “Mmm Jackson… why” he mumbled sleepily. I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. “Come on, let me get changed?” I asked again. “No, I’m sleeping, sleep with me” He replied dryly but it somehow made my heart skip a beat.

Before I could try to convince him by waking him up with kisses, a loud “YA!! COME HERE YOU BRATS!” could be heard from the living room, followed by running footsteps. My guess was Jinyoung had woken up and was now about to kill the kids for wherever they did end up putting that popcorn. Mark slowly opened his eyes and frowned.

“Why do I get the feeling someone’s about to get murdered?” He asked sleepily while bringing up the back of his hand and rubbing his eyes. “Don’t worry about it, they’ll be fine” I answered. Mark finally let go of me to stretch his arms and let out the most adorable yawn. It reminded me of a small kitten. Like those really fluffy ones and then when they do that thing when they are about to go to sleep and they stretch out their paws and do the yawn and it’s just the cutest thing- “What are you smiling about?” Mark asked while giving me a cute smile, interrupting my thoughts.

“The fact that you let go of me and I can finally go get changed” I replied quickly, taking the opportunity to jump up from the bed and look for a clean shirt. I turned around to see a sleepy Mark decide to do the same thing. I watched him take off his sweater and sweatpants, and put on a white shirt. He then proceeded to semi sleepwalk towards me with a sleepy but mischievous smile on his face.

“What are you up to?” I asked him, trying to ignore the fact that my cheeks turned red when he tugged at my shirt, as well as my heartstrings. “Come on, I’ll help you get changed” he told me with a smile. I put my arms up to let him take my shirt off and internally cursed at my heart for beating so fast. I swear I was at risk of dying for what he did next.

He leaned in and softly kissed me on the cheek, and I could feel his lips smiling mischievously against my skin. He then left a trail of kisses down to my collarbone, where he paused for a second to leave a kiss that was slightly more inappropriate and made me lose my fucking mind. What made me even more crazy was him proceeding to kiss me down my chest, his hot breath making my skin tingle. When he reached all the way down to my stomach, I couldn’t make out any of the thoughts that were racing through my mind.

Before anything else happened, he placed his fingers under the waistband of my sweatpants and pulled them down. He then stood up and gave me an innocent smile. “There you go, let’s go to sleep” he said, taking my hand in his and pulling me to bed with him. I couldn’t quite gather my thoughts at what had just happened but managed to say “What about a shirt?”. Mark smiled at me and said “No need, I will keep you warm.”

We got into bed and got comfortable, but I wasn’t going to just let this go. “Hey Mark?” I started, “Yeah?” he replied, eyes already closed. “You’re a fucking tease, you know that?” I said, smirking mischievously at him even though he wasn’t watching. A small smile started to appear on his lips “Shut up and go to sleep Jackson” he replied. “See?” I countered, raising my eyebrows at him. He opened his eyes and said “Alright, what do you want me to do about it?” while giving me a wide grin.

“Kiss me properly” I said. Mark smiled at me in reply and shifted his position until he was sitting on top of me. He then leaned down and pressed his lips on mine, seeming more confident and his lips feeling soft and sweet. My stomach tickled slightly at the kiss and my face was heating up again. He broke the kiss apart and laid down next to me again after placing a soft kiss on my forehead. “How was that for a good night kiss?” he asked cheekily. “Perfect” I replied, and held him as close as possible to me before falling asleep.


	20. You cute little thing

_Mark_

I woke up just before him, a wide grin appearing on my face when I realised Jackson was still holding onto me tightly. He had his face nuzzled in the crook of my neck while his hot breath made my skin feel warm and tingly. The sunlight was lazily pouring into the room, and the birds were happily chirping outside, and Jackson looked absolutely adorable.

It was a bit strange actually, seeing him so peaceful and quiet, while normally he was the life of the party, but I somehow felt privileged to see him like this, so stunningly vulnerable. Not wanting to wake him up, I refrained myself from kissing him. Which was an incredibly hard thing to do, considering how gorgeous he looked, quietly breathing while his skin glowed in the morning sun.

I took this opportunity to simply look at him, taking in all his soft curves and sharp edges, and the way his skin had little imperfections here and there, in the shape of moles and small scars that were barely visible anymore. I realised I loved all of it, I loved every single inch of Jackson. Suddenly I heard him taking a deep breath, sounding as if he was waking up, so I quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

_Jackson_

When I woke up, Mark was still asleep. I smiled at his messy hair and adorable face. Without moving too much, I reached for my phone to see what time it was. 8:46 AM, almost time to wake up and go to the studio. I looked over at Mark again, contemplating whether I should wake him up yet. A probably idiotic looking smirk crept its way onto my face as I came up with a plan. I just hoped he wouldn’t hit me or something.

Carefully shifting my position, I propped myself up on my elbow so I could have a better look at him. While I slowly leaned closer to him, I felt my heart beating faster and my stomach fluttering. My lips softly pressed a kiss on his cheek, lingering a bit longer than they normally would. When I pulled back, Mark was smiling cutely at me, his eyes squinting a little because of the sunlight directly shining on the bed.

“Morning Markipooh” I tried to say sweetly, immediately regretting it because my voice sounded groggy and far from attractive. He smiled at me nevertheless and I couldn’t resist giving him a small kiss on the forehead. “Morning to you too” he giggled, a light shade of pink covering his cheeks. I smiled back at him and laid back down, pulling him close to me because he was just too cute.

_Mark_

Honestly, Jacksons voice in the morning did something to me. He sounded so fucking hot, I wanted to climb on top of him and kiss him while running my fingers through his hair. I wanted him to slip his hands under my shirt and draw little patterns on my back like he’d done before. I wanted to punch myself in the fucking face, which was getting redder and redder by the second.

“You okay?” he suddenly asked “You’re blushing” he said, with the same damn voice that was going to send me to hell. I just nodded, Jackson letting out a little laugh which, holy shit, made something at the pit of my stomach flutter like crazy. “You sure?” he asked. “Yeah” I replied dryly, internally telling myself to stop the tomato transformation.

“Do you maybe think I look a little attractive right now?” he smirked, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “Fuck no” I replied, almost too quickly. He was making me feel way too flustered for this early in the morning and I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. “I’m gonna take a shower” I told him, and quickly got up, grabbed a towel and practically ran into the bathroom before he could say anything else.

_Jackson_

While Mark was taking a shower, I got out of bed and put on a shirt before walking to the kitchen in search of some breakfast. When I entered the kitchen, Youngjae was standing at the counter half asleep, in the middle of eating what looked like leftover pizza wrapped around white rice. I was taken aback a little at his presence, almost having forgotten there were other people in this apartment.

I realised that waking up next to Mark made me feel like we were the only ones in the world, and I would temporarily forget that others existed. I blamed it on early morning brain too. I walked over to Youngjae and nudged him awake, after which he let out a surprised “Oh, good morning!”. I wished him a good morning as well and watched for a while as he seemed to realise what he was eating and then decided against it, putting it in the fridge. He stared at the fridge for a while and then took the rice pizza roll out again and proceeded to eat his peculiar breakfast on the couch.

I shook my head and chuckled quietly, wondering how long he had been (half) awake for, and what he’d been up to last night for him to be almost falling asleep again every five seconds while eating his rice pizza roll. I looked for something to eat as well, and although it wasn’t quite as creative as Youngjae’s newest breakfast invention, I was quite happy with some cereal.

After I finished eating, I went back to the room, wanting to take a shower as well. However, Mark was still in the bathroom. I figured he would be done soon enough, so I sat on my bed and scrolled through my phone, smiling whenever a picture of Mark popped up. I looked at the comments on his Instagram and thought _girl same_ whenever someone said he looked handsome or cute.

_Mark_

When I walked out of the bathroom, Jackson looked up at me with a mischievous smirk. “What took you so long?” he asked. It was a question I definitely didn’t want to answer. “If I had known you were going to take so long I would’ve showered together with you” he stated, as if it was a normal thing to say. As if it didn’t make the heat rise up to my cheeks again. As if it didn’t make me want to punch him because oh god why did he have to be like this?

Jackson stood up from his bed and walked over to me, as if it wasn’t going to give me a heart attack. He pulled me into a hug and said “Sorry about that, I made you blush again, didn’t I?” he put one hand on my head, softly patting my hair. “You’re so innocent, it’s freaking adorable” he chuckled, while I just thought I was anything but innocent.

“Why are you like this?” I said under my breath, not expecting him to hear me. “Because you’re too cute Markipooh” he replied, pulling back from the hug to face me, and putting both his hands on my cheeks. “You cute little thing” he simply said with a smile on his face. “I’m taller than you” I replied, trying to look annoyed at him but failing terribly as my cheeks were still the colour of cherries.

“Only by one centimetre” he countered “You are my cute little Markipooh, don’t fight me on this” he said seriously before his frown turned into a smile again. He hugged me tightly again, squeezing my body against his. I just gave into it and smiled against his neck. _His cute little Markipooh._


	21. "Do me!"

_Mark_

While Jackson took a quick shower himself, I went into the kitchen to find myself something to eat. The task turned out to be more difficult than it should have been, since my mind was constantly on Jackson and the fact that he was naked right now, and the fact that I had _seen_ him naked yesterday. And kissed him. Several times.

If the fridge could talk it would probably start yelling at me to just pick something, dammit. I quietly apologised to the fridge for opening and closing the door so many times and leaving it open for too long every time. I turned around, and Jinyoung, who had come out of his bedroom for breakfast as well, gave me a questioning look. I decided to ignore him, until I looked down at my hands and saw I had only taken out a single carrot from the fridge.

“I just felt like eating one, stop judging me” I said, to which Jinyoung just shrugged and walked past me to grab some food for himself. I sat down on the couch and reluctantly took a small bite from the carrot. I never liked vegetables in the morning. I much preferred cereal or fruit. But since I was stubborn and didn’t want to explain myself to Jinyoung, I finished eating the carrot anyway. When he wasn’t looking, I quickly grabbed an apple and ran back to my room.

When I was halfway through my apple, Jackson finished showering and came out of the bathroom. And of course he was only wearing a towel around his waist. Subconsciously I rolled my eyes at the fact that of course my stomach was feeling funny. Jackson grinned at me and quickly made his way over to me, and pecked my lips playfully. I cursed him internally. And then took it back.

_Jackson_

For some reason, Mark was acting a bit different today, but it was extremely adorable. It made me want to kiss him and hug him even more and make him feel flustered. It was a bit selfish, but I just couldn’t help myself. The colour of Marks cheeks when he blushed was my new favourite colour. And it made me extremely happy.

While still just wearing a towel and not caring about it, I bent down again to kiss Mark. Our lips seemed to know their way around each other better now, and he tasted delicious. Mark put his hand behind my neck and pulled me down onto the bed with him. I happily complied and carefully hovered above him while deepening our kiss. Something definitely felt differently about Mark and I loved it.

_Mark_

Even though it hadn’t been the first time, me kissing him, and him kissing me, it still felt like our first. My stomach was filled with butterflies while my heart did somersaults and my cheeks became cherries. That was until Jaebum knocked on our door and said “We’re leaving in ten minutes”. We broke our lips apart and Jackson gave me a _look._ His eyes twinkled and his lips formed a mischievous grin.

In a low voice, he said “Ten minutes? I’d say that’s enough time for us to-“. “Shut the fuck up, Jackson” I interrupted him, realising my face had never felt so hot. Jackson bursted out in laughter and said “I’m sorry Markipooh, I’m just kidding” while he laid down next to me and hugged me close. Letting out an awkward but relieved laugh, I replied “Yeah, of course, I knew that”. “You’re cute” Jackson simply stated and kissed me lightly on the cheek before getting up and looking around for clothes.

After catching my breath and calming down, I got dressed as well, and not long after we were both ready to go. We headed to the studio first, and went through our schedule for the day. After preparing gifts for our fans, we would have a fanmeeting where we would play some games and probably accidentally spoil the upcoming album. I was quite looking forward to this. Our fans were so cheerful and loving, and after what had happened, I could really use their encouragement and kind words.

We were all sat on the floor of the practise room, drawing on paper cups which we filled with sweets for the fans we were meeting later. We were all laughing and singing along with the loud music that was playing. Yugyeom and Bambam completely lost their chill when ‘Bang Bang Bang’ came on by BigBang, immediately getting up and dancing and screaming the lyrics. When “Loser” came on, Youngjae and Jackson made everyone laugh by imitating how Bambam had covered the song.

The cups were getting decorated and filled, even though some of the designs seemed pretty questionable. Bambam tried to draw a moose, but it ended up looking more like a misshapen tree, or maybe a table with wings. Jinyoung drew all the members as little characters on a single cup, which was pretty impressive. Youngjae kept drawing little flowers and hearts, bless his precious soul. Jaebum’s art was pretty abstract, but I figured the fans would probably appreciate it anyway.

Jackson suddenly stood up and walked towards me with the widest grin. He sat down next to me and showed me the cup he had drawn on. It was what looked like a little yellow bear and a pot of honey, and then a lot of pink hearts drawn all over. “Look, it’s you!” He said excitedly. And then, to emphasise his statement, he wrote “Mark the Pooh” above the bear. I couldn’t suppress a stupid giggle, and playfully punched his arm. “You’re a dork” I said, earning a proud smile from Jackson.

“Do me, do me!” he requested enthusiastically. “I don’t think now is appropriate, maybe later?” I teased, taking revenge for what he had done to me back home. Jackson looked slightly taken aback before his playful smile found its way back to his lips. “Oh shut up, you know what I mean” he said. “Alright, fine, I’ll draw you” I laughed. “Draw me like one of your French girls” he teased playfully. “Only if you pose” I teased back.

I shouldn’t have said that, because next thing I knew, Jackson started taking off his shirt and I was only just able to stop him by throwing my arms around his waist and tightly hugging him. I was afraid that the other members would look at us weirdly, but apparently they had been following our conversation and were now laughing and seal-clapping at Jackson’s behaviour. I laughed along with them and let go of Jackson, who was laughing as well and subtly gave me a small wink. I desperately prayed I wasn’t blushing.

_Jackson_

I sincerely hoped the others didn’t notice how Mark was blushing a little. But just in case they did, my mind was racing to come up with excuses to explain his adorable rosy cheeks. However, the colour of his cheeks was all I could think about, instead of coming up with plausible excuses. I felt like I was a bad boyfriend for not being able to do something this simple for him. I quietly giggled at the word. _Boyfriend_. The happy feeling in my chest was close to making me explode.

After everyone settled down again, I quietly watched Mark from across the room, as he picked up a new cup and started drawing on it with a concentrated expression. His serious face was the cutest, his eyebrows were slightly furrowed and his lips formed a small pout. I watched as his expression slowly changed from serious to playful, his frown disappearing and his lips forming a mischievous little smile.

He looked up at me and we immediately locked eyes, both of us breaking out into a wide grin. He stood up and walked over to me with his cup. When he sat down next to me, he handed over the cup to me with a playful smirk “Here, I drew you” he said. I looked and saw he had drawn me shirtless, with broad shoulders and very prominent abs, and a cocky expression. He also added lots of little stars around me, and my name written in English, Korean and Chinese.

“So this is what you think of me?!” I laughed. “Just abs?!” I continued in a mock-hurt tone. Mark just laughed, and Jinyoung, curious of what the fuss was about, came over to look at the drawing. I showed it to him, and he immediately burst out in laughter and said “This is exactly like you!” He then turned to Mark and said “Mark! You’re really talented!” and gave him a high five before excitedly showing the drawing to the others (who agreed that it looked exactly like me).

_Mark_

Jackson turned to me, looking slightly defeated but still smiling nonetheless. In a quieter tone, so the others wouldn’t notice, he asked “Is that really what you think of me?” I looked at him for a second, unable to hide a smile. “No… but I do think you’re hot” I finally said. Jackson looked down at the floor, his lips curled in a shy smile. “Oh” he replied.

 

_[A/N; Hey guys, how are you all doing? ^^ Sorry for not updating in so long again ;-; Basically my mind has been on other things, and I wasn’t able to concentrate on writing, not sure why to be honest.. Also, I went to South Korea for like 3 weeks which was super fun lmao I already miss it and I wanna go back :’) Are there any places you want to visit in the world? Or is there a place you really liked while traveling? I’d love to hear some of your stories! (Also if it’s unrelated to traveling lol let’s just chat ^^) Love you guys xx <3]_


	22. Ahgase

_Mark_

After all the cups were decorated and filled with sweets, it was time to head to the venue of the fan meeting. For some reason, Jackson insisted that he sat next to me in the van, which made me feel all sorts of things. I couldn’t decide wether “happy butterflies” or “crippling anxiety” was more prominent, but I figured the line between the two was very fine. Without anyone else noticing, Jackson took my hand in his and squeezed it a little. As an automatic response, my lips curved into a shy smile and I calmed down instantly.

During the drive, Jackson kept holding my hand, only letting go when he was conversing passionately and needed both hands for gesturing and increased dramatic effect. I loved it when he did that. “No but hyung, you don’t understand,” Jackson told Jaebum “the chicken was this big! I thought it was going to hurt me!!” He said, hands gesturing the size of the apparent ferocious beast and then placing his fingertips on his chest as if he was fragile. As if he didn’t have the most perfect strong muscles under that shirt. Jaebum just laughed at him and shook his head. “For real! It was really scary!” Jackson defended himself, although he couldn’t contain his laughter either.

Jackson suddenly turned to me “You believe me, right?” He asked pleadingly. I smiled at him reassuringly and said “Of course I do”. He smiled back at me and gave me a sideways hug, laying his head on my shoulder. “At least Markipooh believes me, so it’s okay” he said cutely. My smile only grew bigger and I had to restrain myself from ruffling his hair. “Eeeww since when did you guys get married?!” Bambam exclaimed loudly. I felt my heart drop, but luckily Jackson knew exactly how to respond.

“Aw, are you lonely Bambam?” He said in an overly cute tone. “Come here, I’ll give you a kiss” he said, and proceeded with leaning over to Bambam with his lips in a pout, attempting to kiss him. “No, oh my god, Jackson stop” Bambam laughed while moving away as far away as possible from Jackson. The others in the van also laughed while Bambam was screaming for Jackson to get away from him.

_Jackson_

We arrived at the venue pretty quickly, and after we got inside and were backstage waiting for the host to announce us, I made sure to stand behind Mark so I could sit next to him at the table. It was hard for me not to wrap my arms around him in a back-hug. There was just something about today that made me want to touch him at all times, wether it was wrapping my arms around him, or just simply brush my hand against his when no one else was looking.

The host finally announced us, and we walked onto the stage, happily waving at our fans while they cheered our names. I was smiling from ear to ear and looked over to Mark to see he was smiling widely too. It warmed my heart to see him so happy, he deserved this, all the happiness in the world and all the love in the world.

Once we sat at our places, the fan meeting started and it was time for ridiculous games and exposing the members. I loved fan meetings though, as it gave us a chance to thank them for their endless love and support. I hoped the fans would also cheer up Mark, to make him feel worthy and loved, and that he would let go of bad thoughts. In any case, my hand was tightly holding onto Mark’s under the table.

_Mark_

Jackson was holding my hand, the other members were having fun with the questions and games, the fans were cheerful as ever, Jackson was holding my hand, my heart was beating, and I felt extremely happy. I couldn’t tell exactly tell why, but when Jackson put a little silver star sticker on my cheek, I felt like I could cry of happiness. The gentle stroke of his thumb against my skin didn’t help either. I just wanted to kiss him.

While we were seated and didn’t have to get up for any games, Jackson and I kept holding hands under the table without anyone noticing. It seriously took every shred of willpower in me to not lean over and kiss him right then and there. Instead I held his hand in both of mine and on my lap. His hand was completely mine now.

I played around with his fingers, lifting them up and letting them fall on my hand again, feeling extremely satisfied every time I laced our fingers together and our hands fit together perfectly. Jackson only looked at me occasionally to give me the sweetest smile, and then he’d look away from me again to not make things too obvious, but I could tell from his round cheeks that he was still smiling.

_Jackson_

I wondered if it was hard for Mark too, to not be able to kiss because we had an audience. The way his lips were consistently curved into a smile, changing from a shy little smile into a wide grin, and an occasional unapologetic laugh, made him even more irresistible. The way he was playing with my hand under the table and simply holding it every now and then made him even more adorable.

Instead of leaning over, bringing up my hands to cup his face, and pressing my lips onto his, I slowly shifted a bit closer to him little by little. Eventually our thighs were touching, and I felt pretty satisfied with my plan. Until Mark suddenly hooked his foot behind mine, and pulled my leg in between his, almost making me lose my balance as I had not seen that coming. My leg was half on top of his now and I tried my best not to laugh, while Mark looked at me and gave me an innocent smile.

_Mark_

His hand was mine. His leg was mine. I thought of what else I wanted to claim, but my mind got stuck on his lips.

_Jackson_

Mark’s smile faded slightly and he was now looking intensely at my lips, making my cheeks a matching colour. I quickly tugged at his hand, as if telling him to wake up. His gaze shot up to meet my eyes and he blinked at me, looking slightly confused but then seeming to understand. I then turned back to look ahead of me, letting out a deep breath I hadn’t realised I was holding in. Mark was being seriously cute and we were in public, which somehow felt like a contradiction.

Suddenly realising what was happening during the fan meeting apart from Mark driving me crazy, I saw that the fans were lining up to come and greet us at the table. Alright, just act natural. Don’t give the fans extra fuel to make up conspiracies and write fanfiction or some shit like that. Be nice and thankful to them, _but don’t be so extra gay today Jackson._

_Mark_

I looked over at Jackson and saw he was shifting nervously in his seat, waiting for the first fan to come up and greet him. He was anxiously biting his lip and tightly holding onto my hand. I smiled at his adorableness, even though I knew exactly what he was thinking. The fans couldn’t find out about us, at least not now, but they have always been quick to spot things, so this was going to be a challenge. Giving his hand a little squeeze, I hoped to calm him down a little, as well as reduce my own anxiety.

Meeting the fans went pretty well, and I was fairly confident they didn’t notice anything different about us. We had always been close anyway, so the fact that we sat right next to each other and teased each other was not surprising. In any case we kept secretly holding hands whenever we could and used our free hands to high five our fans or shake their hand or do aegyo, whatever it was they requested.

_Jackson_

When a fan took a bit longer to talk to Youngjae, who was sat at my other side, I took the opportunity to lean over to Mark and whisper “You’re so cute” in his ear. I leaned back with a satisfied grin on my face and looked at him turn red and look at me with an adorable ‘I will hurt you later’ smile on his face. I was pleased with my work and squeezed his hand lightly in apology, even though I wasn’t really sorry.

The fan gave Youngjae a double high five and then moved over to me. She bowed politely and asked me to sign her notebook. I asked for her name and wrote her an encouraging message to keep on working hard for her dreams and take care of her health. She read the message and she smiled at me cutely, her eyes becoming little half moons. “Thank you! You should take care of your health too and rest enough, okay?” She said timidly but determined. I smiled back at her and nodded, thanking her for her kind words. “Fans like you give me so much motivation, and I really appreciate you caring for me.” I added, shooting her a little finger heart.

She giggled and thanked me again, returning the finger heart, and then held her hands up to double high five me. I brought both my hands up, realising too late that I was still holding Marks hand. Mark and I looked at each other in panic, both of our gazes shooting from our eyes to our hands, and we quickly let go with an awkward laugh. The fan looked at us confusedly, her hands still in the air.

I gave her a double high five, and said “I guess I just love him too much, huh?” In an attempt to joke it off. “Markson forever~” I added with a laugh that was far from charming or convincing. She smiled brightly at me and said “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone” in a hushed tone, and gave me a subtle wink. I was dumbfounded, as I had half expected her to turn around and excitedly tell everyone that we were holding hands, and how cute we were being about it. I blinked and closed my mouth, taking a second to process her reaction.

_Mark_

Jackson was taken aback for a second, so was I. He quickly got back to his usual self however, and he leaned forward a bit, putting his hand up to his mouth to whisper “Thanks, it’s better to keep it a secret”. He then brought his index finger up to his lips and winked back at her while smiling mischievously. I smiled in relief, somewhat proud of Jackson and how he had dealt with this situation.

The fan then came over to me, smiling widely. “You guys are cute” she said quietly but just loud enough for me to hear, before asking me for an autograph. I laughed off the nervousness and signed her notebook, writing “ _Keep being awesome, and thanks a million for your support”,_ with a little winky face. I really meant it, I felt very grateful that she had been so cool about our awkwardness earlier. _Ahgase truly are amazing fans._

 


	23. *Bonus*

_Jackson_

After our awkward moment where we almost outed ourselves, we were able to laugh it off and relax for the remainder of the fan meeting. At one point a fan gave me a cute dust mask with a bear face on it, and I thought it was the perfect way to cover my irresistible lips, so Mark would just stop staring at them and making me feel flustered.

I put on the mask and smiled widely at Mark, even though he could probably only tell by my eyes. To emphasise the fact that I was teasing him and depriving him from looking at my beautiful lips, I wiggled my eyebrows at him. He gave me the cutest smile and playfully punched my arm. It also felt like he punched my heart a little bit because oh my god he was so cute and I almost felt bad for teasing him.

_Mark_

I knew exactly what he was doing, and I was thinking of ways to take revenge.

_Jackson_

A little while later, one of the fans gave Mark some chapstick, and when I looked over at him I saw his eyes sparkle. Oh no. Please no. Next thing I knew, Mark was putting on the chapstick and deliberately smacking his lips. The little shit. He was pouting his lips and looking at me innocently. I couldn’t decide between getting angry at him or smiling like an idiot at his cuteness and kiss him, so instead I took off my dust mask and put it on him.

“There, I think this suits you better, Markipooh” I said sweetly, making sure to tease him right back. His eyes became wide in confusion at first, but soon turned into little half moons as he gave me an adorable eye smile. I almost regretted giving him the damned thing as it actually looked super cute on him. What was I going to do with him? He just made my heart flutter every second of every day and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

 

A/N; Hey guys! ^^ This chapter was just a little bonus from last update, next chapter will be a full one I promise ^^ I appreciate every single like and comment and I love you all! <3 <3 <3

also check out my tumblr and come chat if you'd like! ^^

https://dandelionfluffyness.tumblr.com

 


	24. Smile

_Jackson_

On our way back to the studio, Mark was quiet. Even more so than usual, and knowing what could go through his mind, it was unsettling. He wasn’t really smiling either, apart from his polite fake smile that he would sometimes give to one of the other members when they said something to him. I was sitting next to him, and lightly squeezed his hand for him to look at me.

“You okay?” I mouthed so the others wouldn’t hear and get worried. He smiled at me politely, even wrinkling the corners of his eyes to make it seem more genuine, and nodded. I appreciated his efforts to not make me feel worried about him, but it scared me a little bit. I felt like I needed to know every single thought in his mind to make sure he was really okay.

_Mark_

I just couldn’t feel anything. The only thing I could consciously feel was Jackson’s hand holding mine, and his thumb lightly rubbing the back of my hand. I felt empty. We had loads of fun at the fan meeting, even more so while I teased Jackson, but something inside me held me back from enjoying and feeling it fully. It made me feel like shit and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I just felt empty.

I felt guilty towards the fans, as they had come all the way to greet us and cheer us on, and I had wanted to fully absorb their positive energy and love. Even though I had done my best for them during the meeting, I somehow felt like I hadn’t even been there. It felt ungrateful. I started to wonder if I had felt this way during the meeting already or only now afterwards. I honestly couldn’t remember. Fucking hell, Mark. Just why, why did I have to be like this? Why couldn’t I just enjoy things and feel things to their fullest? I sure as hell was good at it while I was sad, then why not when I was happy? Was I just not capable of that anymore?

I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I just leaned back against the car seat and closed my eyes. Jackson shifted slightly beside me and leaned his head against my shoulder. Feeling like I had to somehow be there for him, not letting him feel worried about me, I leaned back into him, letting my head rest on his. His hair tickled my ear a little, but at least this felt closer to something real.

_Jackson_

The feeling of uneasiness crept its way all over my body. Everyone was cheerful, except Mark. Everyone was talking loudly, except Mark. Everyone was laughing, except Mark. Everyone was happy, except Mark. Well, except me too, I suppose. I was worried about him. I knew how his mood could change drastically from one second to the other, but I had just really hoped he would feel buzzed from meeting the fans, at least for a little while.

The thought that Mark could be depressed crossed my mind. Of course, it would seem pretty obvious from what had happened just a few days ago, but that could’ve been a matter of feeling too much pressure all at once without being really able to rest. I knew how Mark worked hard to make everything perfect, and I knew he was still a bit insecure about his Korean, and he would sometimes spend nights rehearsing his rap parts and perfecting his pronunciation while listening to the demos.

But today, the fan meeting, it should’ve been something to cheer us up. Meeting fans doesn’t feel like work, but rather as a fun vacation, where we would feel energised and happy afterwards. However Mark didn’t seem to feel that way, and it worried me deeply. All the things that had happened before during the last few days, every time Mark had felt sad, it was triggered by something.

When he had tried to jump, he had probably felt exhausted, sad, and completely done with life, and when he had those panic attacks I had thought it was because he felt too pressured and couldn’t let go of that feeling. Maybe it had also been some type of aftermath of his attempt. But if even days like today couldn’t bring back that light in him, that part of him that wanted to be on stage and perform, that part of him that just loved to be an artist, something was definitely very wrong.

I had hoped that he didn’t really mean to jump, that it was a thought that came to him in the moment, when he was feeling tired, and just done, and feeling all the pressure that was put on him. But the more I actually thought about it, the more I was sure that there was much more to it. I took a mental note to bring up the possibility of getting professional help to Mark later. It wasn’t exactly an in-the-car-and-in-front-of-everyone conversation.

_Mark_

It didn’t take much longer to get to the studio, and once we were all inside, we sat down on the floor of the practise room, and were ready to read our fan letters. We hadn’t been able to read them during the meeting as we were on a time schedule, but since we wanted to read them nonetheless, we decided to do so afterwards. I suddenly remembered one really shy girl giving me a letter, which was hand written, two pages long. I quickly spotted it from the pile in front of us, since she had drawn beautifully detailed flowers on it, and grabbed it to read.

In the letter, she talked about how our music had helped her through some dark times, and how the members inspired her to do what she loved. Thanks to us, she had pursued her dream of becoming an illustrator, and she told me she was able to successfully sell her artwork at a small but cute shop near her house.

With me being her ultimate bias, she told me that being able to see me smile would make her days brighter. She hoped I was taking good care of myself, and that I was happy, so she could keep seeing me smile. On the back of the second page, she drew a portrait of me, smiling brightly, and added a phrase next to it, saying _Like this! I hope you can smile like this every day!_.

When I read that, smiling was the last thing on my mind. I could feel the tears burning from behind my eyes and I quickly got up, and sprinted to the bathroom without looking back. Once I was in the bathroom I locked myself in one of the stalls and started crying heavily. I hadn’t even realised that something as simple as ‘smiling’ or ‘being happy’ was such a difficult and painful subject for me. What the fuck was fucking wrong with me?

Suddenly there was a noise at the door of the bathroom, and I held my breath, forcing myself to stop crying and making any noise. I pulled my legs up and made myself completely invisible, not wanting anyone to find me in this state. I heard footsteps, walking slowly, and then “Mark? Are you here?” Carefully sounded though the room. Jackson. The tears continued streaming down my face, and I got up and opened the door of the toilet stall. Jackson’s eyes immediately found mine and he quickly came up to me and wrapped his arms tightly around me in a comforting hug. “It’s okay, I’m here” he said softly, and lightly pressed his lips against my cheek. I sighed and let my weight lean against him. I honestly don’t know how I’d survive without him. Quite literally.

_Jackson_

I hated this feeling. This feeling of not being able to do anything for him. This feeling of seeing him so sad and not being able to help him. I wasn’t sure what had caused him to suddenly run out of the practise room, leaving the others looking confused, but I knew something was wrong, and I immediately went after him. Seeing him like this, I was somehow glad it was me that found him. Even if I couldn’t do anything significant for Mark, at least I could do my best to comfort him. And something told me that he was glad it was me, too.


	25. Tears

_Jackson_

Mark was holding me tightly, his hot, unsteady breath against my neck. His tears were making the collar of my shirt wet, but at some point I couldn’t tell which tears were his or mine. I couldn’t stand this. I just wanted Mark to be okay, to be happy, to be able to enjoy fun things. I was curious about why Mark had ran out so suddenly, but I decided against asking, as I didn’t want to pressure him.

Mark noticed me crying and leaned back to look at me. Surprisingly, he smiled. He brought his hands up to cup my face and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. “Why the fuck are you even crying Jackson?” He chuckled, half crying half laughing. I couldn’t help but let out an awkward chuckle as well, our laughs echoing off the bathroom walls. “Because you’re crying Mark, it makes me sad to see you sad” I replied to him.

He let out something between a sob and a laugh, and pulled me back against him. “I seriously love you” he whispered softly against my ear. My heart did a somersault and my lips formed a smile before finding his to kiss. He kissed me back sweetly and I carefully held his face between my hands. When we broke our lips apart I smiled at him and said “I love you too, Markipooh”, earning a big, genuine, adorable smile from Mark.

_Mark_

“Oh my god, that totally rhymed!” Jackson suddenly exclaimed excitedly, only realising it then. I chuckled and said “I can’t believe you invented poetry”, making him smile widely at me. “Right?” He said proudly. His hands had found mine and entwined our fingers. We just stood there, looking at each other, still half crying half laughing awkwardly.

It somehow didn’t feel scary at all, telling him I loved him. I genuinely meant it, and somehow I felt that even if he didn’t feel the same way, it would be okay, he wouldn’t just leave me. But he did love me, and it made me feel so happy I could burst.

_Jackson_

“I love you, Mark” I told him again, wanting to tell him every second of every day, wanting to let him know he was loved. “I love you” I said again, and kissed his cheek. He looked at me a little surprised, but still gave me a small smile. “I love you, bitch, I ain’t never gonna stop loving you, bitch” I said, wanting that smile to become bigger. Mark let out an adorable laugh and quickly kissed my lips.

His eyes looked teary, and he suddenly started crying again. I pulled him against me in a tight hug and brought my hand up to stroke his hair. “Sssh it’s okay, I’m here” I tried to comfort him, but honestly I was taken aback a little. “What’s wrong Mark?” I asked carefully. He looked up at me with big eyes and let out another sob before replying “I’m just- I haven’t cried happy tears for a long time.. It’s- I’m happy”. His voice was shaky, but his lips and eyes were smiling at me lovingly.

My eyes started tearing up again as well, but I quickly managed to hold it back. “I feel so happy to love you” I said, smiling widely back at him. I kissed him on the lips, or he kissed me, I couldn’t quite tell. I then proceeded to place small kisses all over his face, making him giggle in the cutest way possible. “I love you, I love you, I love you” I kept saying over and over again in between kisses.

_Mark_

I had stopped crying, and told Jackson I was okay to go back. The looks on our member’s faces were of relief, combined with a little confusion, when we walked back into the practise room. Jackson suddenly seemed to realise we were still holding hands, and quickly let go. The members hadn’t seemed to notice though, which was a good thing.

Jinyoung stood up and walked over to us. He gave me a tight hug and asked me why I’d ran out so suddenly. I quickly looked at Jackson, who looked back at me with curious while concerned eyes. I decided to just be honest. “It was a letter from one of our fans.. I just found it very moving, I couldn’t help it” I said, forcing myself to smile a little.

Remembering what had happened in the bathroom afterwards, my smile became bigger and genuine. “I’m okay now though, so don’t worry” I added. Jinyoung looked at me, his expression changing from worried to a smiling one. “Alright, good” he said while lightly rubbing down my arms with his hands before letting go of me. “I’m glad Jackson could comfort you” He said, putting one of his hands on Jackson’s shoulder and squeezing it.

Seeing the confused, slightly shocked expressions on our faces, he chuckled and explained “I saw you guys hugging in the bathroom, so I figured I’d give you some privacy and told the other members that Jackson had found you already”. I felt a slight blush developing on my cheeks and had to use all my strength to not let my heart sink to my stomach.

_Jackson_

Shit. I wondered how much he had seen exactly, and felt myself starting to panic. I knew Mark wasn’t ready to come out yet, and I knew how important it was for him to come out on his own terms. Failing to keep in an awkward chuckle, I asked Jinyoung “Oh, I suppose you saw us then?” knowing very well how awkward I sounded, but I needed to know how much he saw. Just the hugging and the crying? Or did he also see us making out and proclaiming our gay ass love for each other?

“Yeah, I had gone after Mark as well, you know, since our odds of finding him would increase with more people looking for him,” he started explaining “and then I found you both in the bathroom and I saw that Mark was crying and you were hugging him, and I figured he wouldn’t want everyone to try and comfort him all at once, as I know that can create a suffocating feeling rather than a comforting one.” He said with a kind and understanding smile. Thank god.

_Mark_

I wondered wether Jinyoung was being truthful in what he’d said about just seeing us hugging, but I couldn’t exactly ask him “So uhm, did you see us kissing too, or?” without revealing how gay I was for Jackson. And vice versa, I guess. In any case, if he did see, it seemed like he accepted it and didn’t tell the other members about us. The thought of Jinyoung coming to our room later and asking what the hell we were doing pressing our mouths together made me feel uneasy. I just really hoped Jinyoung hadn’t seen anything else besides us hugging, but I couldn’t help feel paranoid about the whole thing.

Despite me being paranoid I still sat next to Jackson to finish reading our fan letters, and when no one was looking he placed his hand on mind and gave it a comforting squeeze. I looked up at him and he mouthed the words _It’s okay, I love you_ to me with a sweet smile and I smiled back at him and mouthed _shut up, you’re being too adorable._


	26. What is going on between them?

_Jinyoung_

While we were back to reading our fan letters and not being worried about Mark anymore, I wondered why they had seemed a bit.. awkward when they came back. Not so much awkward between them, I mean, they were literally holding hands and giving each other adorable smiles while they probably thought no one was watching, but awkward towards me and the other members.

The looks on their faces when I told them I had seen them in the bathroom were filled with confusion and something that looked a lot like fear, although I couldn’t tell why. It also seemed a bit off to me when Jackson had to ask again if I saw them, while he wasn’t the type to be unsure or embarrassed. Hell, he would walk around our apartment half naked, so why would he care about me seeing him giving Mark a hug?

It only seemed like the normal thing to do, to hug a friend that is upset. I would’ve done the same if I had been the first to find him. Now that I thought about it, I also remembered them holding hands and quickly letting go when they walked back in the practise room. Why were they suddenly worried about us seeing them being affectionate? They were being cute together during the fan meeting just less than an hour ago, so why were they being weird now? Was it just fan service?

It was all just very confusing to me, and I contemplated wether I should talk about it to them later. I realised this would be an awkward thing to do, but good group dynamics and communication was more important to me. Maybe it was a bit sensitive for them to talk about, but I really had no idea why they were acting this way, and the more I thought about it, the more my curiosity grew.

Jaebum, who was sitting beside me, suddenly nudged me in my side and showed me some fan art someone had made with an adorable wide grin that made his eyes disappear. The fan had drawn the two of us standing back to back, wearing our outfits from the “Bounce” MV, with “JJ Project” written above in big letters. I couldn’t help but chuckle, as the drawing was actually really good, but why, why did this fan have to bring up our (cringey) past?

Out of fucking nowhere, Yugyeom appeared behind us and exclaimed “Oh my god! JJ PROJEEEEECT!!!” Bambam stood up as well and joined in with the “shake it and shake it for me” dance Yugyeom of course had to do as well. Fucking brats. I felt too tired to give them a proper beating, so I just shook my head disapprovingly. Youngjae, Mark, and Jackson just laughed in the background. But I would lie if I said I didn’t have to fight back a smile, too.

After catching his breath from his near-death-from-laughing experience, Youngjae teasingly said “You guys make a cute couple though”, earning a playful slap on the arm from Jaebum, which only made him laugh more. Jaebum couldn’t help but join him and I shook my head again with a sigh. Then it suddenly hit me. I looked over at Mark and Jackson again, who were now comparing the fan art to each others faces, trying to match their expressions to the ones on paper, being adorable as usual. Were they..? No, they couldn’t possibly… right?

_Jackson_

Making Mark laugh was currently my top priority. We were comparing our faces to the lovely fan art our fans had made. Mark held up another portrait of me, where I had my cheeks puffed and pouty lips. I did my best to recreate the face, and blinked at mark innocently while making a noise that was something between a whining puppy and a dying seal, and holding up a peace sign. Mark snorted out the most adorable laugh and held up his hand to his mouth in embarrassment. I caught his wrist and pulled his hand down. “Don’t” I said, “You’re so cute when you laugh, seeing you laugh makes me infinitely happy” I added with possibly the biggest smile ever.

Mark stopped laughing but was still smiling widely. A light shade of red found its way to his face, and he shyly brought up his hands to cover his blushing cheeks and looked down. I ruffled his hair, I just couldn’t hold myself back, and he looked up at me again, letting out a small giggle. His giggle was infectious and I found myself giggling along with him.

Bambam suddenly shouted from across the room “Eeeeeww get a room you two, seriously! That’s disgusting!” While he pointed at us with a teasing grin. Jinyoung suddenly stood up and made his way over to him “You better shut it, you little shit” he said somewhat aggressively, somewhat lovingly with a smile, before smacking Bambam across the back of his head and tackling him to the ground, making Bambam let out shrieks of distress and laughter. 

Jinyoung was being oddly defensive considering Bambam wasn’t teasing him or Jaebum for a change. I briefly wondered if it had anything to do with the bathroom incident, but quickly shook off the thought, not wanting to worry too much and wanting to focus on making Mark laugh instead. “He’s just jealous” I said to Mark with a wink, quickly bringing back that rosy colour on his cheeks and earning a slap against my shoulder.

_Mark_

In this moment, I felt extremely happy. But despite my efforts to ignore it, something at the back of my head and at the pit of my stomach told me that this wasn’t going to last long. That this perfect little bubble of happiness was just an illusion and could burst at any moment. But looking at Jackson and seeing the little spark in his eyes whenever he looked at me made me feel at least a bit more at ease.

It didn’t take too long before our manager walked in, telling us we had to grab something quick to eat before getting to individual practise. Since our voices had already worked hard during the fan meeting, we all decided to work on our dancing, and lucky for Jackson and I, our martial arts tricking instructor had made some time for us today. We all ate some snacks and fruits our manager had brought and quickly started our practise.

If there’s one thing that was predictable, it was how we spent our individual dance practise. Jinyoung and Jaebum were probably the only ones getting some actual work done, with giving each other helpful feedback. Well, mostly Jinyoung giving Jaebum feedback. Youngjae usually joined them as well, getting in a few helpful pointers before calling it a day and falling asleep on the couch.

Hit-the-stage-Yugyeom would usually work on his individual dancing for a while, before getting bored and joining Bambam in practising girl group dances “because it was important to prepare for variety shows”. Their practise would usually end up in the two of them screaming for god knows what reason and Jinyoung getting annoyed at them and Jaebum occasionally holding him back from beating up the kids. Youngjae would still be sleeping despite all the noise.

Jackson and I would either join the others in practising the general choreo (also known as teasing each other for our expressions we were supposed to give during the performance), or practise our martial arts tricking in a different practise room with our instructor. Today was the second option for us, so as soon as we finished eating we headed towards the practise room.

Today’s practise actually went quite well, and I was able to clear my head for a while. Whenever one of us fell, the other would rush over immediately to see if everything was okay. Our instructor just rolled his eyes and let out something between a sigh and a chuckle, because literally the entire floor was covered with soft mats so we wouldn’t hurt ourselves. Of course, he would always make sure we were being careful and doing things step by step. But that didn’t stop me or Jackson from being overdramatic.

After practising for a few hours, it was time to head back to the apartment. We all got inside the van, Yugyeom and Bambam still chattering excitedly even after such a long day, Jinyoung and Jaebum still discussing practise-related things, while Youngjae was sleeping on Jaebum’s shoulder. I followed his example and leaned my head on Jackson’s shoulder while we were discreetly holding hands. Jackson was rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb, and leaned his head against mine, making me feel even more safe and protected.

_Jinyoung_

I looked back at Mark and Jackson who were sitting behind me, and saw them leaning on each other half asleep while holding hands. Even though they weren’t doing much out of the ordinary, it still seemed a bit weird to me. They usually wouldn’t hold hands, actually, and it was strange that they were doing it without being annoying and telling everyone about it. The biggest Markson shippers were Mark and Jackson themselves, after all. Maybe Jackson a little bit more than Mark.

If they were really actually _together_ now, I would of course be happy for them and support them, but somehow it worried me a bit. Especially since they didn’t tell us about it, and we usually didn’t hide anything from each other, let alone something this big. But, let’s not jump to conclusions just yet. Maybe something else happened between them that they wanted to keep private. Whatever it was, my head was filled with one question; _What is going on between them?_


End file.
